-> COVER -> TABLOID HART
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NASTY CO-WORKER 1: So do you have a constructive contribution to make to this meeting, Tom, or do we have to wait until the aliens send you their next encrypted message?WISE-ASS CO-WORKER 2: That's all well and good, Tom. You know I think you do good work. But where is the demo you promised us for this meeting?
UNSPOKEN COMMENT FROM TABLOID HART: Luisa, I'd have your durn "constructive contribution" for you if I'd gotten that license for a danged Uzi. And, Donald, you ever seen the demo of an ass-whoopin'?
Note that I said, unspoken. I was still in shock.
You see, I was still non-plussed. It was over what Cleavis had said at that New Year's Eve party about Jennifer Lopez NOT having the finest hindquarters on Earth.I was stunned into awestruck silence, ya'll.
I wanted to know if the man still had cajones at all or if'n his wife's forcing him into them crystal-gazin' sessions and seances and the like, to make him a New Age Man, had finally performed an osmosis lobotomy.
Still, as soon as I get home, I can open a longneck, sit out on the cold grass and focus on less cosmic questions. I can do what every man alive in Texas does best: focus on the dirt.
It's tough, my fellow Sanitation Engineers, to determine whether the new year of dirt should start with Courtney Love or Madonna. The Ultimate Trailer Trash Dirt on Celebrity Slut Smackdown, right?
Well, down in the trailer park we decided that Courtney won hands down for the most bizarro story of the new year. She is being stalked, according to the national newspaper of record, THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER.
Here's the dish: It seems ole Courtney decided to hook up with this exec type at Geffen Records. Next thing you know, his "ex-wife" Lesley comes out of the danged woodwork and proceeds to make Ms. Hole's life a living Hell.
Courtney has now alleged in court documents that Lesley ran over her foot with a Volvo. She says the woman is stalking her and has threatened to burn down her danged house! You don't have to believe me, just read THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER. I don't make this stuff up! I'm a serious columnist. I only report the dirt that any dumpster diver would know about. We jaw about it down here in the trailer park every danged day...
As to Madonna, well the latest dish on her is she is planning a gettin' preggers again as soon as possible. Seems the only reason she had that danged wedding way over in Scotland is 'cause she thought that castle would be a good place to get knocked up.
'Course judgin' by the sorry lookin' photos that came outtah that, which I shared with ya'll last week in RDR, I got the sense things didn't exactly go according to her Material Plan.
So what's wrong with conceivin' and New Yawk, you gottah ask. Does Madonna know something that them 2 million New Year's Eve revelers didn't know? You be the judge.
Until next time, Sanitation Engineers, I want to see ya'll walkin' into this new year better than Cleavis.
You know somethin'? I'm gonnah have to kick his ass. Jennifer Lopez's honor is at stake.
Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.
BUT get this! In a true trailer trash original, Courtney is being stalked by a woman. How can you not love this?
Tom's Jennifer Lopez Moment of The Week
Hey wait! I already told, ya'll, Fellow Sanitation Engineers, that I was committed to topping off every week I could with a Jennifer Lopez Moment.
I'm in love and Puff Daddy ain't the only ole boy in the forest who knows where to buy a danged gun. Hell, we invented firearms down here in Texas! So, Puffy, we can settle this like gentleman or I can go medieval.