Don't Mess with Texas!

by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

Thomas Hart

AUSTIN, TEXAS - From what I hear, a lot of ya'll Yankees was buying Stetsons --- and fake Stetsons --- to show up at the Shrub's inauguration this past weekend, hoping ya'll could say you were part of the re-invorgated "Texas chic." I read in a Washington Post article one of my buds sent me that the politerati up in Georgetown was tryna get themselves hairdos that looked like the "big hair" our women-folk wear down here, too.

Tom Hart's He-ro, Joe Bob Briggs

I only got one thang to say: DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!

You cain't fake it. You gottah be born with it.

Just like Eminem will not really EVER be Black, ya'll cain't be Texans unless ya'll LIVED IT.

So I'm gonnah give ya'll a lesson about livin' in the South this week.

Our Publisher, Mr. Rod, has one thang that highly recommends him: early in his life he had the good sense to move down here to Texas and see how real people thought and how they lived wild and free. He worked at one of our better newspapers, the Austin American-Statesman. My ten gallon hat is off to him for havin' them kindah smarts, even if he does hail from the East Coast originally. So it didn't surprise me when he sent me this here joke circulating around the Internet that pretty much says it all. Buford and Cleavis just about busted a gut when I showed it to them. So, lookahere, Yankees, LISTEN UP!

The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas, will soon be drawing a number of people to that area and other areas of the south, including many who are not used to southern hospitality, like Yankee, liberal reporters. They might find useful the following travel advice issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Bobby Ray, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you( e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers). Naturally, we do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.

14) Nothing in California is Southern, so if you come down here, don't think you're one of us just because you say you're from Southern California. Your Mexicans didn't invent low riders, ours did. And the food is Tex Mex. It isn't Cali Mex. You haven't contributed anything to South so don't take credit or we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all! Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

I couldn't have said it better myself, ya'll. That pretty much sums up how we feel about the rest of ya'll whose parents was crazy enough to stay in the so-called "upper 48" and give up your freedoms. What chaps my ass, personally, is that some of ya'lls influences have managed to infiltrate down here. When ya'll pushed that Drive 55 bat guano and then created that Mothers Against Drunk Driving and took away our God-given right to walk down the street enjoyin' a long-neck, I was dad-blamed about ready to call for another secession from the union.

I'm glad the Texas legislature had the good sense to let me carry a side-arm as a form of paliative. But I'm still not happy.

That's why I consider sending George Dubya up to Washington a good form of revenge on you sanctimonius Yankee bastards! Let's see how ya'll like havin' to deal with his ass! Two years from now, when your women can't go around with hairy legs anymore, all your kids are talkin' trash and your cities has air you can slice with a knife like down here in Houston --- Well, you'll just be visualizin' ole Tabloid Hart laughin' while he sucks down a Lone Star longneck, pushin' back his REAL Stetson hat and goes over to his Harley to take a 90-mile-an-hour ride on the expressway to feel that real good feelin' of revenge served cold.

It's a Burden Being This Right

I been tellin' ya'll for a couple of years now the only newspaper of record in this here country is The National Enquirer. Some of ya'll laughed.

Well who's laughing now? Last week, The National Enquirer sent old Rhymin' Man Jesse Jackson running for the hills when they tracked down his baby's mama. SCOOP!

Tom's Jennifer Lopez Moment of The Week

Like I told ya'll last time, I had to kick that ole boy at work's ass. It was a matter of defending the honor of Jennifer Lopez, the hottest woman on the planet.

I feel better now and I'm sure Jennifer does, too.

I see she's got a movie comin' out with that old man, Mel Gibson, this week. I guess Hollyweird decided to have a Battle of the Buns and get all the ass-lovers in America in one place. I know from what my fellow columnist, Radio Raheem, said about "Dat Ass" he will be there. Me, I'm plannin' on having a front row seat.

I love you, Jennifer! Drop Puffy and let me be your baby's papa!

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!