Hooray for Hollyweird!

by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

Thomas Hart

AUSTIN, TEXAS - Fellow Sanitation Engineers, last week Mark Burnett, CBS and a couple of the old contestants from the low-life island was smacked with lawsuits by a disgruntled Stacey Stillman, that lawyer gal from San Francisco what got her butt kicked off the island early on. I couldah told that ole boy, Mark Burnett who created that "Survivor" show for CBS last year that the very last thang he wanted to do was put a damned lawyer on the island. But like most Hollyweird types, Burnett wouldn'tah listened to me anyways. So now it's come back to bite him square in the hiney!

And talk about a whiner! She's claimin' the show was rigged to keep that old wingnut Rudy on until the end so's old folks would have somebody to identify with and keep watching the yawnfest.

Hey, Stacey! Listen up! Everybody in America knows that old folks fall asleep in a New York minute soon as you feed 'em and plops 'em in them Lazy Boys(tm) in front of TV set! But I guess ya'll exterminated all your senior citizens out there in San Fran --- or else chased 'em outtah town, right?

'Course this here is CALIFORNIA we is talkin' about, Land of Fruits and Nuts and home of that cesspool of iniquity known as Hollyweird. You just had to know that place was going to Hell in a handbasket as soon as all those Beautiful People out there decided that they'd stop makin' Westerns because they weren't cool enough for the likes of them and started makin' danged millionaires outtah plastic surgeons and --- yeah --- lawyers.

Any place where people have more body parts worked on than the Frankenstein monster has got to make ya' wonder.

At the same time, how can any true dumpster diver not love that place and constantly shout "Hooray!" about its sleazy, guttersnipe existence? Ya'll know how much I love the antics of the Hollyweird crowd. I could spend all my danged time just poring over the trash that comes outtah that town!

Case in point, followin' in the footsteps of the previous Hollyweird Power Couple, Bruce and Demi, it's now been announced that Tom and Nicole are takin' the express to Dee-vorce City! Aww-right! Trailer Trash high fives all around!

Now considering that even the newspaper of record the National Enquirer didn't have much on the Cruise-Kidman break-up this past weekend, one has to wonder if there is some kindah danged whitewash-coverup thang goin' on here. Or --- could it be The Church of Scientology at work again?

We want the dirt! In fact, we demand it!

True Trailer Trash

I got a private e-mail from a reader out there, who asked remain anonymous, asking me the question, "Hey, Tom! What does it mean to be real Trailer Trash." I figured if one person had the guts to ask me that question, a lot of the rest of ya'll had to be wondering, too. So, here's the 4-1-1 on that question. Besides living on a steady diet of longneck beers, Ho-Hos, moonpies and barbecue potato chips, here are some rules that apply:

1. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
4. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
5. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
6. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
7. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
8. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie Tattoo.
9. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
10. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Bubba, if most of them thangs apply to you, you can puredee declare that you are genuwine Trailer Trash.

You're welcome.

Tom's Jennifer Lopez Moment of The Week

Last Saturday night, February 10, 2001, is a day that will forever live in history as special and blessed. NOT ONLY did NBC television's "Saturday Night Live" have the wonderful J-Lo, Miss Jennifer Lopez as their guest host, but also as their musical guest. It was all-Jennifer all-the-time, just the way ole "Tabloid" Hart loves it.

The only thang they did wrong was not extend the show an extra hour, lose that unfunny Weekend Update segment which ain't been funny since Norm McDonald left the show, and give Jennifer that last hour just to bask in the adulation and droolin' idolatry of true J-Lo fans like myself.

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!