WL Crazed

by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

AUSTIN, TEXAS - Our publisher here at G21 will prob'bly wannah excommunicate me for this, ya'll, but I have to admit it: My heart starts to pound, my palms get all sweaty, and I am among the Weakest Link-crazed! You can keep your Regis and the slowpokey, dumbed-down questions and the mewling phonecalls to a friend for help, Grandpa! I tried watching "Millionaire" once and danged-near fell asleep. Anne Robinson has the eyes of the Medusa, what can turn any full-grown cowboy to stone, and I cain't get enough of her snide put-downs, rapid-fire questions and curt "Goo'bye!"

NBC television has done it again --- even if they did have to grovel to the BBC and steal this basic concept from them limey's. This is a game show tailor-made for trailer trash like me, fellow Sanitation Engineers, and you, too, I bet. This show could become the paradigm of The Shrub's America: It's shallow, fast, ruthless. It's dog-eat-backstabbin'-dog. It out survivor's "Survivor" by a long danged shot!!! I can't get enuff of this stuff!

I hear the words "... the Walk of Shame" and chills go down my little tabloid spine. I like nuthin' better than them cameos with the newest losers gripin' about somebody else they hated being next to be voted out. And if anything is emblematic of Shrub USA, it's that no matter how well you did if the other folks just plum don't like yore sorry ass, you take the walk of shame and get nothing, zip, zero nada. Heh-hyeh-hyeh!

"You are the weakest link. Goo'bye!"

Thomas Hart

There are just some danged great moments on this show. Like on the second night, Tuesday, when you had this math teacher guy, Kevin, who was obviously on a roll to win. He got all his answering right in the first few rounds, then stumbled. BUT he also used Shark Logic when it came down to the final three. He could have voted off this nicey-nice woman who was runnin' about a 60-40 average on her questions, as she was the weakest link at that point, or he could have voted off this African-American woman who was a danged lawyer.

What's he do? Vote off the lawyer, of course!!! NOT because she was the weakest link because she was the strongest. Ruthlessness at its best. He figgered correctly that with that one stroke he was putting the danged pesos in the banco!

You gottah love that kindah basic trailer-trash instinct --- which ever'body in Amurrica has, whether they is willin' to cop to it or not --- being brought to the fore, Sanitation Engineers.

Take it from your ole pardner Tom, if you like seeing human beings at they basest, sleaziest, money-grubbin' worst, while having to endure insults and calumnies from a supercilious limey, "Weakest Link" is Must-See TV!

Thank you, National Enquirer

Ya'll wannah know somethin'? If it weren't for the newspaper of record in this country, The National Enquirer, I just don't know what-all I'd do to keep up with all the Dirt. Hell, you can go through your durn Noo Yawk Whines or Washingtoon Boast for hours and hardly find a danged article about stuff folks really care about. Without the NE, ole Tom would be lost and so would alluh ya'll, Sanitation Engineers. I think we all should take a special moment during our nightly prayers to thank the Lord for the National Enquirer. Here's some examples of what I mean:

Did ya'll know that Johnny Depp hates America? Well, of course you don't if you don't read the newspaper of record for Enquiring Minds!! Well, I'm here to tell ya'll that Pretty Boy has come out and said as much and moved his narrow ass to France! France, of all places! That tells ya' a lot about where that whiner is at, don't it? Next thang ya' know, he'll be pronouncing Jerry Lewis the only American genius.

Why does JD hate this blessed country of ours? He says we is too violent, too dumb and too greedy. Likes them traits is a crime or somethin'! Grow up, Fool! Johnny Depp wouldn't last five minutes in downtown Houston with that kindah attitude.

As far as ole Tabloid Hart is concerned, anybody what wants to live with folks that eats stuff snuffled up by their pigs and scrapes their snails off the sidewalk for dinner --- well, good riddance!

OR: Whatever happened to the Spice Girls? Well, the Enquirer reports that (unfortunately) they are still around. Seems that now that they last album tanks --- just like the whole danged group tanked after they lost boob-exposin' Gerri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell --- they been spending lots of time with the plastic surgeons and such making over they bodies. (As if that's gonnah help album sales.)

These here skanks have made enough money off impressible teen-age girls, far as ole Tom is concerned. Now they are goin' the Cher-Frankenstein monster route and replacing body parts to try to squeeze a few more pesos outtah they already rigor-mortised careers. Give it a rest! Fade away, Spice Girls. You're just another in a long production line. Britney Spears is right behind ya'll on the conveyor belt of Fifteen Minutes of Fame.

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!