Dubya on the Run

by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

AUSTIN, TEXAS - I think there's a danged good reason our American President looks like a deer caught in the headlights. After less than six months in office, the Shrub is learning that runnin' a whole danged country ain't as easy as he thought it might be. Vermont Senator Jeffords done cut a leg out from under him by givin' the Democrats control of the Senate before we even have the midterm elections of 2002, and just about every other danged country on the planet is sayin' that the Bush agenda proves that America sucks. There are times when it just ain't no fun being the American President and this is one of them.

Ya'll is all familiar with most of the stuff that already has the gotten folks waggin' they heads about the Bushistas:

• The surprise backing out of the Kyoto Treaty on clean air -- by the world's largest polluting nation -- without any advance warning to our "partners and allies" around the globe.
  
  
• Defence Secretary Don Rumsfeld says we're probably pulling our peace-keeping troops out of Bosnia pretty soon; then Secretary of State Colin Powell is sent rushin' over to Europe to a) get the NATO allies to give more than luke-warm support to the anti-missile defence plan (which is kindah does, though the official statement is still weak,) and b) assure the Europeans that we ain't really about to pull outtah Bosnia yet. Uh-huh. Which side of the Bush Administration mouth are the Europeans supposed to listen to, they are wonderin;
  
  
• Folks in California are starting to wonder if the Shrub, in a move typical of all his danged moves thus far, is ready to foist higher electric bills on them to the benefit of his corporate pals at the power companies. (Question: Why are the Californians even wondering? This is George Dubya Bush we are talking about, an OIL MAN!)

Thomas Hart

I have been tryin' to explain to ya'll in the upper 48 for a full year now that the job of governor of Tejas is a cake-walk. I'll give ya' dollars to donuts that the Shrub had to ask Dick Cheney why it is the US Congress is in session every durn year, instead of once every two the way they is down here in Tejas. The man was a C student, remember. We are talking on-the-job trainin' here as far as Dubya figurin' out how the US government actually works. No lie.

What I'm sayin' here is that if this man were a contestant on Weakest Link, he would be the first one voted off.

But from what I hear, ya'll is findin' something endearin' about knowin' yore danged leader is the Village Idiot. Tell me, please, I been hearin' wrong. Please!

As you know, my fellow Sanitation Engineers, my normal "beat" around the G21 is to dish the dirt. And it's not that there ain't plenty of it to be dished. And I could surely have a great JENNIFER LOPEZ MOMENT with this month's issue of Vanity Fair covering The Queen of My Dreams, but since our Esteemed Editor has left the States, I thought it might be a good idea to talk about all that he is missin' --- especially as regards the Leader of Free World.

(JLo, my Empress, we are not worthy to breathe the same air that might have passed through your lovely, flared nostrils as you walk among us mere mortals, but you grace us with your presence. Please forgive your humble and obedient servant for not payin' my normal and heartfelt obeisance to your Wonderfulness. I will make amends. I will torture myself unmercifully and unstintingly until I can add another section of a Web page to your obeisance. Forgive me! Trust that my penance will not be complete until I resume your worship.

And should you find it in your heart, please, please, please consider movin' your unmatchable pulchritude to Texas where I may worship you from close proximity. Amen.)

Rod, don't you miss us already?!?

Rod, listen to me: You can still repent and live in a country whose leader is dumber than you are! Come back! You can live in a country reviled by the world for being pigs and miscreants, where only 12% or the population has passports because we don't need or want to see the rest of the danged world --- while they is fallin' all over themselves (when not being abandoned by "coyotes" in the New Mexico desert and dyin' of dehydration) to get in here. YOU already lived here, Rod!!! Come back!

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!