That Intern Thang

by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

AUSTIN, TEXAS - If we have learned one durn thang in the last few years here in the US of A, pardners, I think is that none of us want any of our daughters to go to Washingtoon, D.C., our nation's capital, and become an intern.

Dollar Bill and Monica Lewinsky was bad and sleazy enough. Now we got Modesto, California, congressman Gary Condit and a missing intern, Chandra Levy. Sadly, there ain't a lot of trailer trash humor in the case of Ms. Levy, since she's been missing so long they are lookin' for her remains at this point

But, as in the case of that miscreant Paul Jones, once the bimbo eruption starts on one of them political clowns, you got broads comin' outtah the danged woodwork saying, "Oh yeah! He did me, too!"

You got some preacher in Modesto sayin' Condit did his 18 year old daughter.

You got that flying waitress, Anne Marie Smith, appearing on the FOX News Channel saying, "Oh yeah! He did me for a year but he didn't want anybody to know about it."

Take a look at Anne Marie Smith. Could you do her for a year, Sanitation Engineers? Is it any wonder Gary Condit wanted to keep doin' that bowser a secret? I think not.

But this is the kind of stuff that makes the "Mouthpiece Media," as we calls them here at G21, do all they hand-wringin' and self-justifying about whether they is being salacious or whether this is part of "the people's right to know." (Whatever the Hell that means!)

Meanwhile, down here in the danged trailer park, we is givin' each other white trash high fives! And why? 'Cause we love the dirt, the dish, the trash on how the rich and powerful is just a bunch of horn-dogs like we knew all along. Amen!

The reason this is considered Nooz outside of the trailer park is because, maybe, just maybe, Congressman Condit is involved in some nefarious doin's that most decent folks don't want to even consider. But where is this danged gal? Is she alive? Enquiring minds want to know.

Austin Sightings: Those Wacky Bush Twins

One of the best parts of living here in AusTex, the state capital, is seein' Jenna and Barbara cavorting around town. Hook'em Horns!

Yes, them wacky Bush twins, chips off the ole coke-snortin' block, are a wonder and a half to behold. Heck, one ole boy already put a Web site where you can keep up with Jen & Barb whether y'all need to or not. You can find that here.

(Don't let the Secret Service know I clued y'all into that mess.)

The great thang about these bim is that they is so easy!

"Hey, Jenna, my name is Tom and I got a six pack of tall boys in my saddle bag."

"Really?"

"That's right, darlin', and I got a yen to enjoy them bad boys with you."

Thomas Hart

"Awesome!"

"Hop on the back of my Harley, sweetheart."

"If you're buyin', I'm flyin'!"

"Can ya' lose that Secret Service creep?"

"No problemo. Can my sister Barb come along?"

"Is the President from Texas?"

"Yee-haw!"

Not that I would personally take advantage of brain-damaged, under-aged girls, mind you. But you know where I'm comin' from...

Tom's Jennifer Lopez Moment

JLo, I just don't know what to say right now. I mean, Baby, you never wrote me back. Not an e-mail, not a phone call, nothing! It's gettin' awful lonesome down here in Tejas, and as much as I worship the ground you walk on, and live to breathe the same air as your wonderful self --- well, I'm still a danged man and I suffer from temptations.

Take for example the World Wrestling Federation diva Tori. I mean, sometimes, much as I live and my heart beats for you, Jennifer Lopez --- well, Tori ain't exactly a sharp stick in the eye. Fact is, she's one fine hot Mama and I could fantasize for days about gettin' her alone in my trailer and.... Temptations, JLo, temptations. Which, while you are failing to acknowlege my heartfelt devotion for you, are hard, real hard to resist....

You know, JLo, while that there first movie of your'n was alright, as far as me and a lot of my buds down here in Bubaland was concerned --- like Buford, like Cleavis --- that second danged movie sucked wind.

So it should come as no surprise to you, Queen of my Dreams, that when that there "Tomb Raider" movie came out, a lot of people --- but not me! --- started to wonder why you should get all the props instead of Angelina Jolie.

But I held your ground, JLo. It wasn't me saying them kind of thangs. 'Cause, Baby, I still love you....

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!

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