WAR! (Hnh! Good God!) What is it Good For?

by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

AUSTIN, TEXAS - Everywhere you go right now, from office cubicles to the mirrors behind the danged bars, you can see that photo-copied picture of international terrorist Osama Bin Laden with a "Wanted: Dead or Alive" inscription under his funky mug. Amurricans are p.o.'ed after what happened on September 11 and the Mouthpiece Media are eating up they chance to be a big Propaganda Machine.

Down in here in the Republic, we are as militaristic as they come. Not to mention so-called patriots and war-mongerers --- we came up with that battle cry "Remember the Alamo." So your old pal, Tabloid Hart, Fellow Sanitation Engineers, is in a real tough spot writing for a magazine that is committed to the notion of peace.

Sorry, Mr. Publisher, I'm breaking out my thirty-aught-six for the War on Terrorism. I need to kick some terrorist ass!

I'm of the opinion that the only way we can hold onto any kindah self-respect as a danged country is wipe Afghanistan five ways from Sunday, so the next time ANY country is willing to have a "guest" like Osama Bin Laden, they know they have put their Third World hinies in a sling. Like we have the sayin' "Don't Mess with Texas," I'm starting to believe it's time we told the whole world, "Don't Mess with the USA" once and for all.

All this mealy-mouthed hand-wringin' about "workin' with our allies" and formin' a danged "coalition" seems like pussy-footin' around to me!

What I wannah know is why The Shrub -- after all his Big Talk about how we are gonnah chase the perpetrators and they supporters and protectors down -- ain't broke out the Big Stick yet and started to wail on somebody?

Thass right! What's the hold up? It just looks danged stupid, far as Missus Hart's fair-haired boy is concerned, to be talking about a "War on Terrorism" and then do nothing but prance around asking more people to shop at the mall to prop up the Lay-off Economy, throw some money at the danged airline CEOs (who are already richer 'n' Croesus!) and not do one durn thang to make us angry Americans feel like some vindication is taking place!

Again, I gotttah ask: What's the hold up?

Thomas Hart

As far as I'm concerned, all the "prudent, proper" steps have been taken. Colin Powell done talked to our so-called friends, Afghanistan has been warned and thumbed they durn noses at us, and the troops are in place.

Let's go! Bring on the dogs!

I'm sure there is a lot of other Sanitation Engineers out there in the great heartland of this country that feels the same way I do about this.

I shore 'nuff hate to admit it, but I think part of the problem is that Dubya spent too much time as Governor of Tejas. He's used to bein' able to slack, and now that history is callin' upon him to show some hair, he needs coachin' ever' danged day about statemanship. Ole Dick Cheney is probably workin' overtime these days, when the Secret Service ain't tryin' to keep him some place safe so he can go on runnin' the country.

Thing is, while the hawks and doves be doin' they bickering in the West Wing of the White House, NUTHIN' IS HAPPENIN'. Osama Bin Laden is already socked so deep in a mountainside bunker at this point that it would take 15 Delta Force units to ferret his narrow Saudi butt outtah there. He's probably eating big ole Frito Pies and watching CNN all day just for giggles.

The gub'ment of Pakistan is sweatin' bullets wondering if their own people might turn on them if and when the real war kicks off and the Europeans are sayin' "Thank God it wasn't me," like any durned postal worker after the Supervisor chews out one of his crew.

That's why I'm breakin' out the thirty-aught-six. Where a Delta Force might be too much of a production to bring the man back "Dead or Alive," one p.o.'ed wacko from Texas could sho' nuff get the job done.

Tom's Jennifer Lopez Moment

This is a day that will eternally live in infamy.

I picked up the Austin American-Stateman today to learn that disaster has befallen our nation. JENNIFER LOPEZ (the living goddess, the greatest thing to happen IN LIFE since the creation of beer, the woman we all have worshipped and adored from afar, hoping upon hope that she would grace our unworthy selves with her presence, the Queen of My Dreams)HAS GOTTEN MARRIED!!!

Woe betide and let us all rue this day!

Life, as we might have known it, is now over. Civilization is no more.

The best we can hope for now, Pardners, is that J-Lo learns the words to that great Country-and-Western song "D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Listen up, "dancer and choreographer" Cris Judd: You better watch your back!

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!

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