Trailer Trash War News

by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

AUSTIN, TEXAS - The last time we saw James Bond, Agent 007, in Afghanistan he was fighting on the side of ... the mujahadeen, them then-courageous and balls-out deadly "freedom fighters." Just shows to go ya' that today's "freedom-fighter" can allus become tomorrow's "terrorist."

("The Living Daylights", 1987. Major Digression: Timothy Dalton, the best of all the Bonds since Sean Connery left the role, brought a certain deadly, reptilian edge to our favorite secret agent as far as I was concerned, ya'll. This is not said to take any props away from Pierce Brosnan, who has certainly earned the role after all the crap he had to do through to finally get it. But Dalton was The Man, fellow Sanitation Engineers.)

Fast forward to November, 2001: If Bond is in Afghanistan right now, he's been sent there by MI6 to undermine the very people he was supposed to be helping 14 years ago. (Oh-oh! ) Have we moved through the danged looking glass? Hell, yeah! Since 9-1-1 ever'-danged-thang has changed. It's on in Afghanistan again, 'cept it's us, not the Russkies, dropping bombs into the mountainous wastes

Is Commander Bond confused? Prob'bly yes.

Is Tabloid Hart confused? No.
Why? 'Cause me, I blame God. Lemme tell you why, Sanitation Engineers.

Thomas Hart

Let's start with a visual aid of the kind my fellow Texican, Ross Perot, might use:

Tabloid Hart Comparative Analysis

George W. Bush: "Our enemies are evil."	Osama bin Laden: "Our enemies are evil."
George W. Bush: "The goal of our enemies is the destruction of freedom and the end of civilization as we know it."	Osama bin Laden: "The goal of our enemies is to continue to defile our holy places and end our civilization."
George W. Bush Profile: Spoiled rich boy, who by way of family connections achieved great power. Much of his money came from the oil business.	Osama bin Laden Profile: Spoiled rich boy, who by way of family connections achieved great power. Much of his money came from the oil business.
George W. Bush: Holds bin Laden and his network accountable for the deaths of innocent civilians, mostly Americans, and pledges to relentlessly bring him down.	Osama bin Laden: Holds the American government accountable for the deaths of innocent civilians, mostly Muslims, and pledges to relentlessly bring America down.
George W. Bush: Believed by many Americans (at the time he came to power) to have achieved his position to an illegitimate affront to the electoral process of the country and a betrayal of the electorate. Popularity rating today, among his own people, at an all-time high.	Osama bin Laden: Believed by many Muslims to have completely perverted the tenets of their faith and to have achieved his "leadership" status illegitimately. Popularity rating today, among his own people, at at anll-time high.
George W. Bush: Says his life was changed and he found his true calling when he found God..	Osama bin Laden: Says his life was changed and he found his true calling when he found God.

This last item on my comparative analysis, y'all, is why ole Tabloid blames God for the situation we find ourselves in right now. If George Dubya hadn't found God, he'd probably still be snorting the white crystals and hangin' out at Texas Rangers ball games. If Osama hadn't found God, he'd probably be another one of them Saudi princes riding around in Rolls Royce Silver Clouds in the middle of the durned desert quaffin' some Cristal.

Instead, these two ole boys have decided to throw-down and include all of the rest of us in they little pissin' match.

So now it is on. I say, it's about time we kicked some terrorist ass, as y'all fully know. BUT I think it's wrong that over 5,000 families had to be bereaved behind this War of the (religious) worlds and I think it's wrong that we are on the verge of a danged World War (Iraq, Indonesia, Sudan --- where next?) behind this crapola! AND especially now that bio weapons, chemical weapons and nukes are being talked about like they was pea shooters -- WHICH THEY AIN'T.

Both of these ole boys are tellin' they folks, us and them, that God is on our side. I have to ask myself how God can be on both sides, unless he's not just a gambler, he's The House. The House always wins, as any sensible gambler can tell y'all.

But's what's being won here?

All I'm seein', Sanitation Engineers, is more sufferin' and people all around the world double-checkin' they backs. How about you?

Is this what God is supposed to want? If so, I'm blamin' Him (or "Her" for you granola-New Age-Birkenstock-wearin' types.)

Mebbe the anthrax thang is just a domestic wing-nut going crazy -- or mebbe it is al Queda. Fact is, I don't give a good horse poop who it is! It won't make me sleep any better to hear that we're only experiencing another Unabomber or Tim McVeigh 2, Sanitation Engineers, and that's the durned truth!

1. All of our high-tech law enforcement equipment, used by the so-called best investigators in the world cain't tell us why that woman died in New Yawk or how come we didn't protect them postal workers before the DIED.
2. We still have no idea how extensive the anthrax attack really was. NO CLUE!
3. Rumsfeld, our Secretary of Defense, actually came out and said we might NEVER get bin Laden. (Yeah, okay, he retracted that when he saw we might get depressed.)
4. The word is out that the Northern Alliance had to get their danged shoes and clothes from us before they could even fight. That's not to mention their latest food and new weapons. And rumor had it that they asked us to give them Russkie weapons! What's that about?
5. While ever'body in the Bush administration is congratulatin' themselves on doin' "excellent, fabulous, wonderful, high-caliber" jobs the American economy is tanking, another plane has fallen out of the sky --- unexplained, and the anthrax scare is still a big scare with folks talkin' about preparin' for smallpox and bubonic plague. How "excellent" and "fabulous" does that sound to y'all?

Lookahere: I'm the guy who encourages little kids to use they fire-arms (you know, b-b guns etc.) to take pot-shots at ole raghead Osama bin Laden and introduces them to they Marine recruiters. But EVEN I, down here in the trailer park, am starting to get a bad feelin' in my gut about what's being thrown down.

I'm thinkin' you should be,too.

Still, REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash...

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!

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