by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

Austin, Republic of Texas - First my goddess, J-Lo (a.k.a. Jennifer Lopez), up and gets married on me. Then that dim bulb, Liz Hurley, gets knocked up by "Hollywood mogul" Stephen Bing. But that ain't the worst of it: Now, fellow Sanitation Engineers, we find out Dollar Bill Clinton made over $9 Million on speaking tours since leaving the White House.

All his danged legal bills is already paid off and the ink ain't even dry on the various indictments!! Dollar Bill has already made more money flapping his lips than Eminem or Snoop Dogg combined. And one hell of a lot more than Gennifer Flowers or Paula Jones would ever make posing for Playboy magazine.

Makes all the real trailer trash men among us want to stand up and cheer, don't it?

As much as I personally reviled Dollar Bill for the way he turned on his own, betrayed workers ever' where in favor of the interests of Wall Street investment bankers and generally proved to be a mealy-mouthed, poll-driven, lawyer type, I had to give him props. Why? When's the last time you saw a man in the White House order a pizza and a blowjob together? The only thang that was missin' was the six pack. You cain't get more trailer trash than that. Meanwhile, America was going through its best prosperity in our history.

I can understand why that chapped the asses of people like Bob Barr, Newt Gingrinch and Ken Starr. Bill was gettin' it and givin' it at the same time. That's Bubbaland all over.

And now, no matter how the conservatives might believe they shamed him, he knows he served out his full term -- unlike Dick Nixon -- AND he's laughing all the way to the bank right now. Down here in God's Country we call that "crazy like a fox."

Dollar Bill will prob'ly go down in history for out-foxin' his opposition, by co-optin' they agenda, like nobody since Otto von Bismarck of Prussia.

When news came out that NBC television was offering Dollar Bill a talk show, I was about to bust a gut. I can see it now:

"Caller, go ahead."

"Hi, Mr. President! This is Tom down in Austin. I just had a quick question for you, Your Awesomeness."

"I appreciate your callin' in, Tom in Austin. What's your question?"

"Well, sir, I heard that that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, was talking about gettin' Presidential kneepads before she got her job. My question is, is there really such a durned thang as Presidential kneepads and can I get some for my wife down at the local Walmart?"

I also read that talk show deal fell through, though. Too bad. It would have been a danged hoot.

...Be Very Afraid

Not much in the pages of this Web magazine about the War on Terrorism, is there, y'all? That's 'cause our Esteemed Editor put a muzzle on most of us columnists on the issue after our first statements last winter. You send an article to Rod on the War on Terrorism as your only hook and you're just about assured of seein' it spiked. Ask me, I tried.

I guess he thinks it doesn't interest our international readership and has become as tawdry as the OJ story here at home. There's somethin' in that, though, I don't know what nor do my buds down here in Tejas, Fellow Sanitation Engineers.

Naw, we don't talk about Al Quada or terrorists over the mornin' Eggos, but lots of folks down here still accept that we are in a war and that them ragheads still need to be given a real come-uppance. I see news about what goin' over in Israel and wonder why our danged country is so concerned about that instead of why my woman and me cain't go through a local airport anymore without wondering who the other wingnuts might be on our flight --- if you understand what I'm sayin' and I think you do.

Don't get me wrong. I ain't got nuthin' against folks of A-rab descent. I could give a cow-chip. I just don't like feelin' like I should act scared. You ask me to act scared, the first thang ole Tom does his reach for his side arm. It's that simple. I pack heat. That's still a right down here in Tejas. Y'all in the upper forty-eight oughtah learn something from that.

I don't need no million dollar explosive detection machines in my airport, no Air Marshals, or no two hour waits in the terminal to protect me and mine. I got Smith and Wesson for that.

The only thang I'm really afraid of us is The Shrub's plans to turn this here country into his Imperial Nation with the rest of the durn folks having no rights at all. Like G. Gordy Liddy said on his radio show a few weeks back,

"People who are willing to trade Liberty for Security are doomed to end up with neither."

Amen.

REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash...

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!

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