by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

Austin, Republic of Texas - My Erstwhile Editor sent me the link to this here story in the Washington Times. I think it was his way of hinting that The Tabloid One should get back in the saddle or lose his sinecure here. For those for y'all unfamiliar with the Washington Times it is the official tabloid of stupid conservatives. It's financed by the kind of people dumb enough to have their husbands and wives chosen by a bible-thumpin' Korean conservative preacher and get hitched up in a stadium with thousands of other stupid conservatives. We affectionately call these folks "Moonies" after their preacher, a fellah by the name of Rev. Sun Yung Moon. The Moonies put out this newspaper so that people like Robert Novak and George Dubya ("The Shrub") Bush have something to talk about besides their investment portfolios.

How stupid are these kind of conservatives? Let me put it this way:

1. They are so stupid they probably give monthly tithes to The Illuminati Order.
2. They are so stupid they think Rush Limbaugh is a prophet.
3. They are so stupid they wore Stetsons at The Shrub's inaugural.
4. They are so stupid they think that Donald Rumsfeld is witty.

I'm glad I got that outtah my system, ain't y'all?

Let's get on to this National Institute of Health study that hooks women up to the sexual arousal monitor. I showed this here story to my pals Cleavis and Buford and they about busted a gut laughing.

Think about it, Sanitation Engineers, here are these Yankee broads sittin' up in some laboratory with they bodies wired to a machine while some (probably dykish) Nurse Ratchett type in a white lab coat is askin' them: "Does that make you hot? How about that?"

AND OUR GOVERNMENT IS PAYING FOR THIS! Hell, you could brang that experiment down to the trailer park where I live outside of Austin, Tejas, and you'd have bubbas lined up a mile deep waiting to pay you to conduct these here tests! No lie.

Personally, I think it's a danged waste of money to use these dyke nurses and sophisticated machinery, though. Why not just brang these ladies down here, give up a bottle of Jack Daniels and a couplah six packs and plug "Debbie Does Dallas" in the VCR. I'm durn sure I could tell you what makes them hot after that.

Now in the hands of your John ("I couldn't beat a dead man in an election") Ashcroft types ‚ you know, the type of Attorney General who'd spend eight thousand taxpayer dollars to drape a scarf over a statue's titties ‚ in his kindah hands, we'd hear a long tirade about the "declining standards of decency" in this here country because of tests like this one. But me? I love this stuff! This is the Tabloid Boy's meat and bread! If they gave me a line-item designation on my danged tax form I'd certainly check off fifty tests that tell me about what makes women wannah jump in the sack over one Scud missile.

But that's just me. You, for all I know, my fellow Sanitation Engineers, might go for a chicken in every pot or a total ban on them dang SUVs that puts money in the pockets of Saudi princes.

And while we're on the subject of Saudi princes, MESSAGE TO THE SHRUB: brangin' them bastards who run telethons for suicide bombers down to your ranch in Crawford and actin' they is long-lost kin is SUPPORTING TERRORISM. Real Americans don't like it! You can't talk out of both sides of your mouth, pard'! From what I'm hearing ,talkin' out of one side of your mouth is as hard for you as Chinese calculus.

So despite the "concerns" of stupid conservatives who read the Washingtoon Times, I'm all for more government studies of what makes women hot. Bring 'em on!

So let's talk about what I'm NOT for.

I'm not for having my mail man and my cable guy reporting to the government that I had a whore over at my place last night and what kind of condoms I was using. Do you hear me, Poindexter? Hey, Ashcroft, listen up! I'm not for being frisked at a danged airport in my own country because you and the F.B.I. were too busy bustin' whore houses in New Orleans to put some of your considerable brainpower and money into stopping the World Trade Center from being blown to smithereens.

Hey, People of Florida: What's up over there? When Jeb Bush's daughter smuggles crack into the rehab center it's a "personal matter", but when your kids are sent to the slammer for the same thang, it's a matter of principal that Jeb uphold the "rule of law." And Black Floridians, you remember the Voting Rights Act? How come it don't apply to y'all. I'm NOT for that, either.

And as for His Fraudulency, let me just say this to him: Your Daddy had a 90% approval rating in 1991 and still got booted out of the White House in the next election. Your party don't want to give extended benefits to unemployed Americans? That's fine by me, pardner. We can vote with our wallets in 2004.

Listen, y'all in the Upper 48 of the U.S. of A., I told y'all about this man and what he was like when he was governor of Tejas, a job that is a danged cakewalk. You didn't listen but I ain't holdin' that against you. What I am holdin' against y'all is being so QUIET while our danged Constitution is being ripped to shreds, corporate criminals like Ken Lay don't even get a slap on the wrist, let alone jail time, and we're startin' to look more like a banana republic instead of a democracy every day.

GET OFF YOUR DUFFS, PUT DOWN THEM STICKS OF WACKY TABACKY AND STOP THIS MADNESS!

The whole world is watching aghast, fellow Sanitation Engineers. What happened to America? You remember that country that stood for something besides money, me-me-me and conspicuous consumption? You know, the one where that French guy sent a giant statue that became a symbol of refuge to the world? I still do and I dang sure want it back!

Finally, I got a message for Ms. Nancy Pelosi, the California Democrat who is the new House of Representatives Minority Leader: Hey, Left Coast gal, give up the tofu and crunchy granola and put on some danged boxing gloves. This is the fight of the century and you're sounding like Bland and Blander. Get out there and fight!

Yep. You got it, fellow Sanitation Engineers, Tabloid Hart is about to get agro. Get used to it.

And REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash...

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!

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