by Thomas Hart

G21 Muckraker

AUSTIN, REPUBLIC OF TEJAS - After watching The Shrub's address to the American people and press conference on Thursday evening, March sixth, last week there was only one question floating in most trailer park minds down here in Tejas. I was watching Dubya speak, while sucking down a couple of brewskis with my buds Cleavis and Buford, at the Circle R Ranchhouse Bar & Grill near the trailer park. I was gettin' this queasy feelin' in my stomach, but I didn't say anything.

That's when my pard' Cleavis piped up and said: "Dang, man! What is that ole boy on? He's actin' like somebody slipped him a couplah Zanex or a qwaalude or somethin'!" So the one question on ever'body's minds down here in Bubbaland is: Is His Fraudulency now on drugs?

Like I said, y'all, I wasn't gonnah say anything, but it was hard not to miss. Buford spoke up at that point and said, "Hey, listen, maybe he's got one of them earphones on and has to listen to what they's tellin' him to say before he speaks. You know! Like one of them there puppets? Charlie McCarthy or whatever."

"You mean Mortimer Snerd," Cleavis cracked.

Now, I'm NOT sayin' that The Shrub was on drugs, mind you. But he sure as heck looked that way, didn't he?

And your Tabloid One isn't the only person who thought so. I read ole Tom Shales in the Washingtoon Post the day after and he was comparing the Shrub's press conference to the last bad days of Richard Nixon before that bastard up and decamped from the Presidency.

What I'm sayin' here, Fellow Sanitation Engineers, is that we are being led by a man who doesn't seem to clicking on all six cylinders. But you knew that already, didn't you?

The rest of the world sure seems to be knowin' that lately.

I'm not gonnah say "I told you so" again, though. (Oops!)

It's bad enough that The Shub looked like a stumble bum when he was giving his (supposedly) final justification for bombin' Iraq back to the Stone Age and then going in and occupying that country for the next decade or so. But I got two other reasons why I think that selected President should have his feet put to the fire right now.

NUMERO UNO: In a little over two years The Shrub and his Bush Leaguers have managed to sqaunder the surplus we had when his regime started. The Republicans always hurled that epithet "tax and spend" at the Democrats, but we what got with them this time is spend and spend. Or, what I really should say, y'all, is give-away (to the corporate cronies who financed this takeover and other rich folks) and spend (on building up to a war that could be our highway to Hell.)

At least with the durn Democrats we could count on them taxing us so that some money was coming in. With the Bush Leaguers and the occupation of Iraq, all we can look forward to is mortgaging our grandchildren's future.

NUMERO TWO-O: That moron that the Supreme Court appointed to the White House has thrown out the baby of international law and cooperation with our allies along with the bathwater of indecisiveness. Making decisions is okay by me, but heck! why not make good decisions?

I mean, no matter what you feel about goin' to war with Iraq, is it worth the damage we have done to our alliances, NATO, the United Nations, et cetera? Dang! We were asking after September 11th why the A-rabs hated us? Now we got just about everybody on the planet takin' to the streets because they hate us. And it's all by the doin' of The Shrub, Rummy and they pals!

The Canadian foreign minister was caught in an bad moment, when the microphones weren't supposed to be on, saying about us: "I'm sick of those bastards" or words to that effect. And this is a Canadian, guldurn it! They's supposed to be our pardners!

The French, the Germans, the Russians and the Chinese are lining up against us all of a sudden and the North Koreans are thumbing they nose in our faces and saying, "Hey, Baby, ready to cha-cha?"

AND ALL OF THIS, ALL OF THIS, is because of the swaggering boobosity of the people in The Shrub's regime.

I'm gonnah take a page out of our Editor's book and paraphrase Mark Twain for y'all. What Mark Twain said was when a heavily armed people take on a disarmed people you cain't really call it a war. You should call it what it is: a massacre. So let's see, we got them danged U.N. inspectors in Iraq destroying all they weapons. Then we plan to drop about 3,000 bombs on Bhagdad in a a period of two days. What would you call that, Fellow Sanitation Engineers?

Even folks down here in Bubbaland, where we take pride in our right to carry a sidearm, don't feel right about this crap.

Tom's Celebrity Anti-Dish Moment

I'm usually the first one to jump on dishing the celebs we manufacture out in Hollyweird, but this time I gottah stand in they corner. I'll tell you why.

We got stupid conservatives like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter gettin' all exercised about the celebs speaking out against the proposed war. Frankly, I think most of these folks should get an exorcism. I mean, ever time I see that anorexic waif Ann Coulter on the boob tube, I keep waiting for her head to start spinnin' like Regan's and green projectile vomit to coming spewing out of her mouth. (Wait a minute! That is what she spews, ain't it?)

Anyways, it seems the stupid conservatives want to build up a wave of hatred, leading to a blacklist, for people like Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Dustin Hoffman, Martin Scorcese -- the list goes on and on.

This is what Tabloid Hart has to say: Since when did making a few award-winning films and a couple million bucks turn your grey matter into mush and deprive you of your rights of U.S. citizenship? Martin Sheen, to his credit, says he isn't smart enough to actually be President of the United Stares. I figger he's wrong when I look at the current occupant of the White House, though.

And I figure EVERYBODY has the right to they opinion in this country. People died to make sure we all had that right. Mr. Ashcroft and Mr. Poindexter seem to have forgotten that fact, but that don't mean that you and I have to, pard'. Ann Coulter, please shut up! What these celebs you so want to incarcerate are sayin' makes a lot more sense than anything that's entered your pea brain in the last ten years.

As long as this remains E Pluribus Unum, I say, let people address they government with they grievances and more power to them. Fascists beware. A day of reckonin' in coming.

And REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash...

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!

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