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by Thomas Hart

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TABLOID HART: Curse of the Baby Boomers: Our Texas bad boy, Thomas Hart says G21.net should do more music reviews and so sings the praises of songstress, KT Tunsall; reports that the Baby Boomers are the curse on America; gives more Britney Spears news; and mouths off about Condoleeza Rice.

Austin, REPUBLIC OF TEJAS - Because I've decided to try to fit in more around here on my second outing as a G21.net columnist, I've noticed that besides my normal focus on The Dirt, one thang that is sorely missin' in these here pages is talking about the music. BOB POWERS did a great job of that for years, as far as the jazz scene went in particular. But since ol' Bob moved on, no body has picked up the slack.

I mean to remedy that situation starting right now. I'm gonnah open by talkin' about KT Tunstall. If y'all are broadband us ers you can quickly access some clips and videos at that there BBC link and get a sense of why I'm an hot for more from this musician. She is da Bomb, as far as Missus Hart's fair-haired boy is concerned

KT has some of that kindah energy Bonnie Raitt has and a nice bluesy-ness about her y'all wouldn't expect from a Brit. Doin' a little research on her I found out a couple of thangs:

1. She's one of those folks who cater to MySpace.com like our Esteemed Publisher.
2. Though she hails from Scotland, she is also of Chinese descent. A statement, you have to admit about the nature of our world.
3. She's great in live performance. That always tells you when you're dealing with real talent.

Put KT Tunsall on your CD buying and concert ticket list, Pard',

The Curse of the Baby Boomers

Take a look at our last two Presidents here in the great E Pluribus Unum for a second y'all:

• William Jefferson Clinton: Delusional (The man wanted to try to convince himself that a blow-job is not a sex act.)
• George Walker Bush: Delusional (The man wanted to convince himself that Saddam Hussein could nuke the United States.) What do both men have in common? They are Baby Boomers.

  In my opinion, we are all have to suffer the curse of putting up with the worse generation to come along in a long time - barrin' some flu epidemic or an attack of space aliens because there are so many of these danged folks that we cain't expect even a large percentage of them to die off for decades - decades!

  Let's look at the facts. The Baby Boomers came along and decided that, instead of having respect for the wisdom of our elders, the new slogan, startin' in the 1960s and '70s, should be "Don't trust anybody over 30."

  Well, that was all well and good up until they started getting pot bellies and stretch marks. Now most of these folks - a large part of the demographic of this country - are in they 50s and 60s. So what happens? The new year ain't even dry behind the ears yet and some Einstein in New Yawk comes up with this new slogan for the Delusional: "50 is the NEW 30!"

  Gimme a danged break here!

  Do you know of one straight man in the country who would be pole-vaulting over a Halle Berry (aged 38) to get to an Oprah Winfrey (aged 51)? I didn'think so.

  50 is the new 30. Yeah, and my butt is the Shah of Iran.

  This is our curse, we are stuck with the danged Baby Boomers for years to come, I'll say it again. Are they smarter than us? No. Are they more talented than us. Again, no. There are just more of them than us, much to our regret.

  OUR grandchildren won't have to deal with them, but - by then - thanks, Baby Boomers! - there won't be much of the paradise this planet used to be when they came along even left.

  Let's get back to The Dirt.
  
  

  Britney in the News

  You would expect, knowing my column's history, that I might want to have somethin' to say about the newspaper of record, the National Enquirer's, story about Whitney Houston going back to the crack habit she picked up after marrying Bobby Brown. Or you might think I'd have something to say about Angelina Jokie - oops! I meant to say Jolie -- getting knocked up by Brad Pitt. But you would be wrong. Whitney and Angelina ('specially after the Billy Bob episode) is lame news. Britney is forever.

  Ms. Louisiana Trash Star made Enquirer news this week for being picked the worst-dressed person in Amurrica this week by Mr. Blackwell. As the photo I've included with this tiem shows, Britney has got it down.

  No, that is not a shot of her appearin' at the Mall, y'all. That is Britney showin' up at a Hollyweird movie premiere, about to walk down the red carpet, with everybody from E! running the other way. You can take the girl out of Lose-ee-ana but you cain't take Lose-ee-ana outtah the girl.
  
  

  Condi Rice: Is She is or Is She Ain't

  While we're wallowing here in the Trailer Trash gutter, my fellow Sanitation Engineers, I'm inviting you to play a little game we do down here in BubbaLand. The way this here thang works is that we try to figure out wassup with Condoleeza Rice, now the Secretary of State of these Eeuu Ess of Amurrica.

  Now some of these ol' boys, like my neighbor Buford, figures she's a straight-up dyke. As Buford puts it, "Ever' since they brought women up thar in Washin'toon, they mostly picked ones that wouldn't make no First Lady nervous. Look at that thar A'turney Genral - what was her name? - from Florda? Y'all he'p me out! Oh yeah, Janet Reno. No question 'bout her."

  Me, personally, I'm not sayin' there's anything wrong with people of any sexual persuasion. But you gottah wonder, don't ya, what kindah decisions people make when they come in after havin' a bad night because ä well, you know.

  Let's look at the history of Condi Rice in the White House:

  • Problems with lying about Weapons of Mass Destruction in Irag? No.
  • Problems with torture? No.
  • Problems with illegal and unconstitutional wiretaps of American citizens. Not really.
  • Problems with lying to Congress? Ditto.
  • Problems with lying to European allies about torture and "renditions"? Ditto, again.
  • During tenures as National Security Advisor and Secretary of State ever admitted to doing wrong or making any mistakes? No way.
  • Willing to watch other officials fall on their swords? Certainly.
  • Baby Boomer? Oh Lord, Tom! I didn't even think about that!

  Now ask yourself a question: What kind of woman is this?

  Back to the Game. The way we play this here game is y'all have to figure out if and how Condi gets laid. It's a no-brainer, right?

  Okay, so every time you see Condi Rice on TV or in the news give ANY hint of having a sex life, open a beer and chug it. (See? As the beer commercials say, I'm encouraging you to drink responsibly. In this game, it might just take you fifteen years to do a six-pack.)

  Any time you hear or read or see any evidence of Condi having had sex - even just the suggestion of sex - open a beer and chug it.

  Rule Number Three-o: If you have sex with Condi, open a beer and chug it. THEN open a bottle of Thunderbird and chug it to get that bad Condi taste off your lips and outtah your mouth.

  (You see, Bubba, this here is not a game for the weak - or the feeble. IF you can even imagine this last scenario, you have big cajones.

  For example, 'member when there was these folks called "Friends of Bill"? As in Clinton. Can you imagine, or have you ever seen folks actually willin' to call themselves Friends of The Shrub? Me neither.)

  Rule Number Four-o: If you can get pictures of ANYONE, ANYWHERE having sex with Condi and send them, certified mail, to G21: The World's Magazine, Attention: Tabloid Hart, I'll give you a pile of Benjamins to play with. That's right! It's true! The National Enquirer is not the only place you can make money offah other people's sleaze, my fellow Sanitation Engineer.

  Unitl such time as you accomplish any of the above. Enjoy them infrequent beers you are unlikely to quaff.

  And remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.

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