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LONG KNIVES, DARK ROOM Ten Years of Truthspeak 1996-2006 G21 AFRICA X.N. IRAKI, United States G21 AFRICA MPHUTHUMI NTABENI, South Africa JOIN OUR MAILING LIST. It contains more jokes than not. G21 FICTION JOHN KARANGA KARIUKI, Kenya IRISH EYES MATTIE LENNON Ireland ON FILM BRAD BALFOUR, United States SMOKE & MIRRORS ROD AMIS, G21 World HQ TABLOID HART THOMAS HART, Austin, Tejas THE PREVIOUS EDITION MEET THE G-CREW! These are the people behind this jam-band every week. HOME TABLE OF CONTENTS & BACK ISSUES BECOME A SPONSOR OF THE WORLD'S MAGAZINE.
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TABLOID HART: ALL OVER MEL - THOMAS HART, being the master of dish and schaadenfreude that he is, gets a huge kick out of the latest Hollyweird dust-up featuring Mel "Passion of the Christ" Gibson.
Austin, REPUBLIC OF TEJAS - I know alluh y'all is familiar with the expression "like a cheap suit... " Well that is what it must have seemed like to Mel "The Passion of the Christ" Gibson last week. Rob Schneider, whose career had already become forgettable, thanks to the SNL Curse, took out a full page ad in the Hollyweird Bible, Variety, dissing Mel, some even more easily forgettable guy called for a boycott by everyone in town of anything Mel over at the Huffington Post Web site and the Usual Suspect Wagging Tongues were hard at working over the guy.
You'd have to be living in the moon last week not to know how this all came about. I can just about picture it. Mel was sitting around wondering how to get his name back in the spotlight, feelin' kindah lonely and unappreciated, I figure. So he says to himself, "Self, I got a great idea! Wait until you see this shit! I'll get real drunk, start speeding through Malibu, insult the arresting officer, try to run away, promise to royally screw him, insult a female cop at the station house - yeah that's it! I'll call her 'Sugar Tits,' I'm card! Hardy-har-har! Then, the icing on the turd cake, I'll insult just about every other power player in town! Yeah! That'll do it! I'll insult all the people I used to work with or ever hope to! That's show them!"
It was such a good idea, to Mel's way of thinking, that he had to act on it right away. Putting himself squarely into the running for the next edition of the national newspaper of record, The National Enquirer (available in supermarkets nationwide.).
Unfortunately, it seems, Mel didn't get a chance to run this idea by any of his business associates, his accountant, publicist, anybody like that. Seeing as how people around him had totally misread what a great idea "Passion" had been, why should he listen to those nervous Nellies, anyway? He was a Mel Gibson, a certifiable genius. He was running with the idea, a drink in both fists.
You gottah give to the Melster, we figure down here in the trailer park, it takes balls the size of watermelons to piss off EVERYBODY you know at one time and then expect them to take a sappy excuse and a trip to Rehab and expect them to say. "Aww shucks, all is forgiven, Pardner."
On the other hand, it takes true cajones to make a sado-masochistic movie loosely based on the passion play, paint Jews as evil, and then say it's part of your faith to show respect and love toward everyone. But then there is only one Mel Gibson.
Or are there two Mel Gibson's, the fun guy and decent actor and the drunken, insulting wacko who believes he owns Malibu? Hell, I know Mel has made a lot of money over the years, but even Bill Gates might wince a little at the asking price of Malibu.
What Mel did with this brilliant idea though, and something Mrs. Hart's fair-haired young'un has just gottah love, is put himself square in the middle of trailer trash culture - where you and I live, my fellow Sanitation Engineers.
Yessiree, that's right! He showed that he was not a snooty, hipper-than-thou Hollyweird effete snob. Naw, he could be just as ignorant and ignoble as the rest of us, no problem. Mel Gibson proved that he's still a regular guy, bigotted, stupid, arrogant, hateful and all those good things that a snoot full can bring out of your average boor at a weekend barbecue. Hell, he just about reminded me of a clone of my neighbor Cleavis when he's got a snoot full!
Amurrica bein' Amurrica and Hollyweird being Hollyweird, you can just hear Mel's press agent or other flaks right now. It probably went something like this: "Listen, Boyo, we can survice this. Just check in butt into Betty Ford until this thing blows over. We can come back. Your money. Just wait around for Robert Downey Junior to wake up on somebody's front lawn and you're yesterday's news.
"Oh, by the way, ABC called and they don't think you're the right guy to do a miniseries on the Holocaust right now. You understand. So you've got some extra free time anyway.
"Then, a month or two from now when you get out, we can start looking at a new accountant, and - oh yeah - a couplah new lawyers. And yeah, that guy who was your film editor? He isn't anymore."
It's not all bad for Mel, though. He's still rich as Croesus. He still has that hot ride and he still thinks he owns Malibu. He could do a remake of the film "Lost Weekend" and be back on top in no time.
So remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.
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