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TABLOID HART: OUT(TING) WITH A BANG - THOMAS HART, says that 2006 was a wonderful year for gossipmongers like himself and finds an online publication to compete with his beloved National Enquirer.
Austin, REPUBLIC OF TEJAS - - If you're a Sanitation Engineer - meaning a person who thrives on collecting the garbage about the existence of your neighbors - like Tabloid Hart, it's been one danged good season. Yessiree, Pard', I cain't remember a year that ended on such a wide-rangin' low note in many a decade.
A former Congressionall page outs Representative Mark Foley (R - Florida) for being a bit too friendly with young men who tickle his fancy via IMs and e-mails. A, let's be polite and say "former" again, male prostitute outs "Pastor Ted" Haggard for not only being randy but also doing a little crystal meth to help make thangs happen. Bill Maher sorta-kinda-but-claims-he-isn't outing Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlmann on "Larry King Live." Mel Gibson, Michael ("Kramer") Richards and Andy Dick out themselves as bigots.
But that's just the beginnin' of the good stuff that Is taking 2006 outtah here with a bang! It's Dirt City and a gossipmonger like me has got to love it.
The Airhead Rat Packettes (Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears) have been playing Best Friend of Paris musical chairs and generally embarrassing themselves with inter-Packette feuds, a divorce, a DUI, and some very grammatically challenged and dang near James Joyce stream-of-unconcho cell phone text messages and e-mails.
Paris & Nicky Hilton Reveal Their Assets Let's not even start on when they tries to verbalize somethin'!
New Dirt Source
Meanwhile, my fellow Sanitation Engineers, I have made a discovery that has the Tabloidist tres happy, as a Frog might say. It's right up their with the Newspaper of Record on this side of The Pond, the National Enquirer but it's from the other side, Britain. It's called Anorak and when it comes to all things tabloid, this rag is finger-lickin' good. Y'all come.
Here's an example of the kind of articles I liked from these Limeys last week:
Not exactly up to the haute garbáge standards of the National Inquirer, I know, Sanitation Engineers - you gottah get used to that British tongue-in-cheek thang - but danged funny nonetheless.
Sympathy for The Shrub
Tabloid Hart has got to admit it, y'all, I spent much ink in these last six years tellin' y'all that no man who had had the cake job of Governor of Texas, where your dang Legislature is out of session longer'n it's in, was fit to run a danged country. I spent almost as much baggin' on The Shrub. But you know something, this last week, as ever'body and his brother was already jumpin' outtah they bags testing the waters to take over the POTUS job - while The Shrub was rubbing Iraq Study Group egg off'n his face and hating being treated like a red-headed stepchild - I started to feel a little sorry for that ole boy. Yeah, I did.
Hell, Barak Obama, who's been in national office for all of two years, was getting more face-time on the national news than the sitting POTUS. Newt Gingrich got cameras following him around New Hampshire and at any wingnut speech he might make. John McCain and Rudy Giuliani got cat-who-ate-canary grins on they mugs and even Hillary Clinton gets mentioned for doing NOTHING.
Meanwhile, The Shrub is left to arrange the deck chairs on the Hindenberg - as Stephen Colbert has now-famously put it.
If it was me - and thank the Lord, it ain't! - I would think the unkindest cut of all, though, was when that bozo from up in Oregon, feller who had been givin' me "Attaboys" for six damned years, thinking about his own re-election campaign, jumps up in the U.S, Senate and says my policies on Iraq has brought him to "the end of [his] rope." Wait just a danged minute, there Bubbah! These are the danged policies that just last year you was willing to concede must be inspired by the Almighty. That shellackin' in the midterms elections wasn't that bad.
Yeah, If I was The Shrub right now, I'd been majorly p.o.'ed. Like many here in the Trailer Park in South Austin, I thank God I ain't him.
So remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.
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