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TABLOID HART: STOP HATIN' ON MY PARTY GIRLS - THOMAS HART provides this first column of 2007 for anniversary edition taking the haters to task.
Austin, REPUBLIC OF TEJAS - I know, since I write here at this rag, that I must consider myself a member of the press. But y'all know what? Sometimes I'd rather be a used car salesman, my fellow Sanitation Engineers, and I'll tell y'all why: too many people in the press are making a livin' outtah taking shots at my party girls: Britney, Lindsey, Paris and Jessica. It just ain't right and it chaps my ass!
These four women are exemplary specimens of what bein' Trailer Trash is all about and I get real riled when I sees them being constantly disparaged in the media.
Now I know some of y'all, knowin' that my usual style here is to be Laughing Tabloid Hart, might be a mite surprised that I would start off with what sounds like a rant and wonder what brought this on. Well, I'll tell y'all.
On the Sunday night before President's Day, I was knocking back a couple Lone Star longnecks and feelin' kindah bored. So I thought to myself, "Hey, Tom, why not turn on the Boob Tube and see what's happenin' over at VH1? You ain't checked that there channel in a while." And what do I find? Danged if they ain't running a show called "40 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes."
Now, as you know, being a garbage lover as I am, I'm all up for that! But NO! I get half way into that danged show and every other section is about how dumb Paris Hilton or Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson really must be. They dragged out that tired old quote about Jessica Simpson - one of the hottest babes on the planet - said she cain't be anorexic because she is from Texas.
Now me, when I first heard that one, I didn't think that was dumb at all. I thought it was just about danged right. We got barbecue here in Texas, we got steaks. How can there be any anorexics in Texas?
But NO! These wise-acres from El Lay and New Yawk was bustin' a gut talking about how that had to be one of the dumbest thangs anybody had EVER said! What is wrong with these people?
It don't stop there. I pick up the local newspaper - not even the newspaper of record in this country - the NATIONAL ENQUIRER - but my local rag, and it's all hot and bothered about the fact that Britney Spears, a bona fidee Trailer Trash girl from neighboring Louisiana - has gone bald. Yeah, just the other day Britney and her bodyguards bum-rushed a hair salon out in Cali and she cut off all her hair.
I thought, "Hey! It worked for Sinead O'Connor. Why not Britney?" But you know what all the newspapers said? They said it just shows that Britney was "unhinged." Now folks was even sayin' that maybe Kevin Numbnuts Federline might have been a saint for putting up with Britney for long as he did! Can you believe it? Are these people nuts or what?
I had me such a burr under my saddle by then that I had to go out and jump on my hog and get me a copy of a real newspaper.
I headed down to the local H.E.B. supermarket and got me a copy of the NATIONAL ENQUIRER, another six pack of Lone Star longnecks and a bag of Doritos. I felt better just riding back to the trailer park with that stuff in my saddlebags.
Ya see, what I don't get is why everybody from Keith Olbermann to VH1 to Newsweek has such a hard-on for Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. Is it because they is rich and can do whatever they want whenever they want? You tell me, my fellow Sanitation Engineers. Weren't the folks writing this stuff ever young once?
As to Jessica Simpson, if she is so danged dumb, why is she making millions, Mr. Er-u-dite, and you ain't?
Here's one more example of what I'm talking about: on Wednesday, February 21st, the popular Web site Wonkette, while announcing that Heather Mills would be appearing in the new season of "Dancing with the Stars" referred to her as "Paul McCartney's one-legged slut ex-wife." Now they use of the offensive term "one-legged" was just completely uncalled for! It was just wrong! Wrong.
But those high-falutin' geeks in Washington just had to point that out. You see what I mean?
Besides, I don't think Heather Mills is that bad lookin' for a British woman, most of whom have horse faces and big rumps, and she certainly ain't that bad lookin' for a gimp.
'Course, Heather Mills don't count, 'cause she's a fereigner anyways.
Let's face it, America. We don't want no danged celebrities who are gonnah lord it all over us like a Princess Grace or a holier-than-thou Gregory Peck. That was so pre-Cold War. What we wants, and let's be honest, is somebody who can get down in the gutter and wallow in it with the rest of us. Britney is truly earnin' her stripes at last. You can't get any more slutty and outtah control than Paris Hilton without workin' at it. We like that. We like that a lot.
Far, as Tabloid Hart is concerned, we should put up a danged monument to Robert Downey, Jr. How many times you manage to get so wasted you break into somebody else's house 'cause you think you is at home and them have the cops come drag you offah that stranger's couch because you couldn't make it up the stairs? Classic! True Trailer Trash epitome! You gottah love it, Sanitation Engineers!
R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith
My fellow Sanitation Engineers, I'd like to ask ya'll for a moment of silence. The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen.
I know a lot of the snoberati out there liked to diss Anna Nicole Smith, but down here in the Trailer Park of South Austin, Bubbaland, we thought she was good people.
Sure, she had her problems - like just about ever'body else - but she never made no secrets about that. She was real. She let you see her fuck-ups and let you know that, even if you are a so-called celebrity, even that life was not peaches and cream every day. We give her credit for that. She kept it real.
I guess that's the best thang you can say about anybody at the end of the day. It's too bad that she couldn't find a healthier way to deal with her heartbreak.
Katie Couric: News Killer
On a lighter note, isn't it funny as hell how "soft" the "CBS Evening News" has gotten since Katie ("America's Miss Perky") Couric has taken the desk over there. Look, I know most of y'all don't watch it much and neither do I. But just out of curiosity, I click on it now and again just to see if anything has changed. When I do, I usually get Katie sittin' with some gal doin' an interview that could have come straight off of Oprah. I just have to chuckle.
From what I understand, CBS has pretty much decided that only peopl e in rest homes and jail even watch the danged show anymore. Katie may just be their last news anchor. After that, they'll likely come here to the Internet, where anybody with a brain gets their news.
But it's just sad. They pay this feather brain -er - weight millions of dollars to bring her over from the "Today" show, just to watch her flush them down the toilet. Hardee-har-har.
Come on, Peter Pan!
Me, I'm thinking choosy mothers, as well as a lot of other folks who made visits to the local emergency room might just be a little ticked at Peter Pan Peanut Butter and the Wal-Mart version of it called Great Value. Salmonella? You got some plant in Georgia giving us salmonella since last August?
Well, I'm one danged choosy mother' and I ain't ever trustin' y'all again. Spinach? Chicken? Taco Bell? Genetically Modified tomatoes? The danged Teflon coating on the non-stick pans? All of this stuff is out to kill me? What's next?
I'm starting to think I'll raise my own cattle and slaughter the beef my own self, put up a garden plot in the back forty and stop dealin' with alluh y'all!
So remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.
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