OAKTOWN - Unless you are one of the lucky few who manage to cruise through this lifetime with a silver spoon in your mouth, or who find a way to work for yourself, then sooner or later you will encounter an ass-hole boss.
I know a lot of ya'll clicked-through to this article expecting to find a Dilbert kindah thang, or something along the lines of that take-off Robin Miller wrote a few weeks back about there being a "G21 for Dummies" book. Guess again. I'm stepping to the main chance of this edition of the GENERATOR 21 and talking about something we all experience as part of life on the street.
Ass-hole bosses come in various genders, orientations, sizes, shapes, colors and flavors, but they all have one thing in common: it is all you can do to keep your hands from wrapping around their pencil necks and wanting to choke the living shit out of them.
When you find yourself working for a dummy, you learn the true meaning of stress, you are probably scanning the want ads every weekend, and your ears just naturally prick up when you hear someone, anyone, talking about a place that is hiring. An ass-hole boss can make your life so miserable that you kick your cat, argue with your woman, and drink one too many beers when you get home from your office, factory, warehouse, or whatever every night.
And the biggest problem with an ass-hole boss is that he or she usually doesn't know how much everyone working under them despises their ass and wishes they would be part of a multi-car collision on the freeway on the way in to work.
How do we hate them? Let me count the ways:
- CASE STUDY #1: The Bully. I knew a guy worked in the Admissions Ward of a mental hospital. His ass-hole boss was the kind of half-pint little idiot with a Napoleon complex who always needed to show he was the main bantam cock of the joint. So what did this runt do? He'd usually pick the biggest, baddest-looking of the new crop of loonies and goad this guy into swinging at him. Why? To show he was boss, of course. This little jerk would never actually fight the bruiser himself. Naw, he's blow his little ballpark whistle and have the other folks on the ward come chargin' in to kick the shit out of the "trouble-maker," wrestle him to the ground, pull down his pants and his drawers, so's a nurse could shove an IV of Thorazine into the guy's butt.
Then, guess what? Mr. Bantam Cock would start kicking the drugged-out bruiser in the ribs while everyone else was holding the guy down. Ass-hole!
- CASE STUDY #2: Write-up Fever. You ever worked in a factory or an office where the boss had "write-up fever?" It goes something like this: "Yo, Johnson! You was five minutes late this morning. Looks like I'm gonnah have to write you up, old son."
"I'm sorry, man. Didn't you hear about the traffic jam on the interstate this morning?"
"Hey, Johnson, me and everybody else managed to make it in to work on time. Maybe you need to learn to leave home early enough so that you can deal with any unforeseen developments. Come on into my office."
Ass-hole.
CASE-STUDY #3: The Know-It-All. You run into this kindah boss all-too-often, especially in a big corporation. Here's somebody who was rank-and-file just last month, but because she was such a suck-up to the suits, she gets promoted to be head of the department. All of a sudden, she's a damned genius. She tells everybody in earshot that things are gonnah change, all the procedures are gonnah be revamped, and the way things have run just fine for the last five years ain't good enough no more.
Thing is, as you and your co-workers are listening to the new procedures, all you are hearing is a major disaster waiting to happen.
Maybe, just maybe, one of you is stupid enough to speak up, and try to explain why this newfangled approach to the process is sure to be a failure. If you is that person, you know what a chilling silence can be like. Nobody speaks up to back you up.
And the New Boss? What does she say:
"Kleindeinst, if you are going to succeed in this department, you have to be a team player. There is no room in my department for people who are going to be negative and not pitch in to contribute their share."
Ass-hole.
- CAST STUDY #4: Crisis Manager. For some people, many of whom end up as Project Leaders, every little mistake, every setback, or any change is plans is A Major Crisis. Working around or for these people is enough to set your teeth on edge, Homes. These people are the Drama Queens of the world, and even if everything is going just fine, they'll find a Crisis to make your life a living Hell. They are the kind of people who give new meaning to the words Perpetual Overtime.
Things can be going along just fine, when Corporate, or The Client, or their boss gets them on the phone and gives them a hard time about the schedule, the prototype, whatever. This person goes into a FULL-BLOWN PANIC. "Everybody drop what you're doing! We need to have a meeting RIGHT NOW!" Or: "BENTBACK, SUGEFACE, GUANO! IN MY OFFICE NOW!"
Once you are all assembled, the Crisis Manager goes into a whole tirade about how Whomever isn't happy with the performance of the team or the department and that means that "we" have to put in some extra effort. Call your family and tell them you'll be home late. Plan on working through the night, whatever. "We can't leave here until this job is finished! Am I understood?"
Thing is, everybody, including the red-eyed Crisis Manager, is already whipped to a frazzle from the crisis-before-this-one. Because Every-Little-Thing is always a Crisis to the Crisis Manager, everyone is always exhausted and their work is always subpar. He or she doesn't see it that way, of course. Ass-hole. So you stay until midnight and do a half-assed job(Again,) and then come in at seven exhausted(Again,) and before the end of the day Corporate, The Client, or Whomever, calls her or him up and it's another Crisis. "BENTBACK, SUGEFACE, GUANO! IN MY OFFICE NOW!"
The Crisis Manager will never admit that he or she is in over his or her head. Naw, they just take it out on you, Dilbert.... Until you want to choke the living shit out of him/her.
And how do these people get to be Ass-hole Bosses? You got it: THEY GET PLACED IN POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY BY OTHER ASS-HOLE BOSSES. It's the Dan Quayle Principle. If I'm the boss, and I make Dan Quayle one of my supervisors, Nobody In Their Right Mind is gonnah take me to task, because that means they'd have to promote that idiot Dan into my job.
Raheem Out.
G21 TRIO: A Series of Voices
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SEA OF DREAMS: ZENCYN returns with a comprehensive guide on choosing your Dream Symbol Book.
BARE KNUCKLES: JEFF WINBUSH goes in "SEARCH OF SPIKE" - Part One of Two.
POWERSBOOKS on "KAKUTANI OF THE TIMES."
POLICY MATTERS: ADAM SMITH, Associate Director of the Beltway's Drug Reform Coordination Network, looks at the "THE 4-20 DEBATE."
LONDON CALLING! FLISS USSHER provides a seering, intimate portrait of young "birds" Dying To Be Cool!
G21 WORDSOur BOB POWERS extends his critique to film this week with a review of the new Nicholas Cage/Meg Ryan film, "CITY OF ANGELS."
JENNIFER BLUE's PLANETARY MADNESS looks at YOUR influences!