-> COVER -> THE SEX COLUMN
For instance, I'm known some people who deal with their natural desire for sex by having to have angry quarrels with their lovers before scratching their itch.
I know other folks who have, somehow, in some twisted way associated with their guilt, decided that there has to be some pain associated with sexual gratification.
It's creepy, but there are a lot of folks who play out these little guilt-inspired psychodramas behind closed doors. You might have slept with a few of them.
I know I have.
What I'm talking about here is how Sado-maschism (S & M) prob'ly has it's roots in sexual guilt, Losers. And there ain't nowhere I find more of a breeding ground for sexual guilt than the Roman Catholic Church. They put folks through 12 or more years of guilt about fornication sans procreation and marriage and then let them loose on us in this unsuspecting world.
It stands to reason, according to the Tuna Philosophy, that folks that was weaned on implements of torture and degradation over there in Europe would be behind the whole sex-toy industry of today. They needed something they was familiar with in order to really get off. And the more painful and bizarro the better.
That's why I figure the S & M crowd is into such "toys" as black leather masks, whips and chains, all that kind of stuff. It reminds them of them dungeons and the red-hot pokers used during the Inquisition.
It's like with this one frail I was personally hooked-up with for a while. We couldn't get in the sack and into the main event without her pinching and biting me, raking her nails across my ass and my back. It hurt like hell! Try as I might, I couldn't get her to stop that shit. Why? 'Cause far as she was concerned sex wasn't any good unless one or both partners was suffering some kindah pain to increase their ardor. She didn't start it right away, you see, only after stuff was gettin' hot and heavy. Then out came those talons! The more I screamed the better she liked it. The sound of my wailin' away in pain took her right up into multiple orgasms. I finally had to cut her a-loose.
If there's one thing Charlie the Tuna can't understand, it's why anybody would have to associate the one good thing we got goin' for us in this miserable life, sex, with guilt and pain.
I kindah get the psychology of religion, I think, where it's all about makin' us either so detached from this life that we wish for The Great Hereafter --- and thereby give up all our money to The Church --- or else makes us so afraid of the Fires of Perdition that we try to buy our way into Heaven Above --- and thereby give up all our money to The Church. But what I don't understand is why they gottah get into the bedroom with us and mess that up, too! I just don't!
And, like I said, I think it's that guilt-trip that leads people straight down the thorny road to S & M.
Yeah, I already see the hand raised in the back of room. Another milque-toast loser who is slow on the uptake...
"Gee, Charlie, are you sayin' that a lot of your S & M comes from the Catholic Church?!?"NO, LOSER! Get a clue! You ever read Phillip Roth. A book called Portnoy's Complaint? The Catholic's ain't got the franchise on this guilt thing. The Jewish religion is par excellance at that stuff.
And don't get me started on The Protestant Ethic. I know Southern Baptists who complains about sexual license ALL DAY LONG on Sunday and then you find them at 'Ho - tel Six on Monday with their secretaries and office managers --- just ask Jimmy Swaggart!
My point is that all religions I know about put a guilt-trip on anybody who thinks that sex should be FUN, Loser! They don't want you laughing after sex, they want you crying! And Charlie the Tuna, for one, don't think that's right by a long shot! It makes me mad!
Which brings us back to the lesson you came here for today, class: more of
The Tuna Philosophy
In the great book of the Tuna Philosophy it says that you should ENJOY sex, wherever and whenever you can get it. Sex is Life-affirming and you don't have to wait until you is married to enjoy it. That's a myth created to keep those darned religions I mentioned above in your hip pocket.
According to the Tuna Philosophy, humans are sexual animals. Part of us being social is appreciating each other and each others' bodies --- and that means enjoying the good sex these bodies were made to enjoy, too, Losers!
SEX IS NOT A COMMODITY! It's a perversion of the sanctity of good sex to use it to sell cars, mouthwash, perfume and music videos (among other things.)
When you hear someone laying a guilt-trip on you about how much you enjoy sex, thinking about sex, or having sex, ask yourself the Tuna Question: "What would a Man do?" You got your answer already, don't you? How long will you be dead?
Take it from direct from the mouth of the Mack, Charlie the Tuna: Civilization was created by people who was too slow to hunt, too weak to kill, and too lame to get more good sex. That's how marriage came about, too, which I'll explain to you Losers in another lesson this year. Until then, remember the Tuna Question and remember this:
Stay Hard.