-> COVER -> THE SEX COLUMN
Charlie the Tuna, as this column demonstrates, is all for sex education. I want to see people in America as educated about sex as they can possibly be. I want all of you to be all you can be in the bedroom. I do! It makes my life better, too, you see.
If more people was EDUCATED about sex, I wouldn't spend so much of my time finding myself in the role of the teacher. I have a reputation among my friends (Yes! I have some!) for being the master of breakin' women in.
A woman goes out with Charlie the Tuna for three months, after she dumps me or I dump her she inevitably ends up married to some Loser in less than six months time. It happens all the time, no lie. WHY? Because I gave her a good sex education. The next man she meets feels like he has found the darned Holy Grail, so to speak. He falls on his knees and breaks out a diamond engagement ring worth two months' salary.
So I decided that in this week's installment it might help if I gave you Losers a history lesson. As I mentioned last time, it seems that some of you have yet to figure out what Civilization is all about. So, as a Public Service, Charlie is here to get you the answer.
Let me start by repeating myself:
"Civilization was created by people who was too slow to hunt, too weak to kill, and too lame to get more good sex. That's how marriage came about, too..."
Why would I say that? It's simple. Break out your notepads, Losers.
The Tuna Philosophy
Since many of you slept through your World History and Biology classes, I'm here to give you a brief overview of what you missed.You see, after those troglodyte folks left those caves, they went into the hunter-gatherer mode.
Basically, if Fred Flintstone and Wilma and Bam-Bam was gonnah eat, old Fred had to run out on the tundra with his buds and try to bring down a water buffalo or a mastadon or such-like. This was the "hunter" part of the equation.
If Fred and his buds was good hunters, then folks back around the caves had a barbecue that night.
If Fred and his buds sucked as hunters, the "gatherer" part of the equation came in. That meant everybody was eatin' roots and berries and the like, and Wilma was mighty pissed off.
You see, back in what your high school World History teacher would have called "The Dawn of Civilization," if a man did not have the gonads to help his fellow hunters bring down a bear, a hairy elephant, a water buffalo or a saber-toothed tiger, he was pretty much chased out of the tribe. That was what men did back then to provide for other tribal members, hunt.
Of course, this meant men spent long periods of time out there running on the tundra looking for prey. In the process, they might run up on another hunting party --- which they might have to beat down or worse --- and occassionally they'd run up on another village or two, as well.
Being men, and being a long way from home, having gone for weeks without getting any, they might decide they could beat-down the remaining men of this other tribe and have their way with that tribe's women. That's just the way things were. Nobody complained about it. "Civilization" hadn't been created yet, so nobody knew squat about hare-brained concepts like "marriage." But we'll get to that later.
The women --- seeing a big, strong man coming off the tundra and having given a beat down to the wimps left behind by the Real Men of their tribe, AND being horney themselves --- gladly accomodated the visiting hunters. There was fresh meat in the situation, after all. It was just a given. In exchange, if these men had any provisions with them, they shared them with the women's tribe figuring they could always get more on their way back home.
Most of your archaeologists and such figure that life went on like this, strong men having their way with any of the available frails in whatever part of the land they happened to be in, for hundreds of years.
So what screwed this up? you're probably wondering. Turn the page to part two of this lesson, entitled "Civilization."
Here's the skinny on Civilization: Somebody, and I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts it was a woman (See the Chapter entitled "Matriarchy,") decided they didn't like the order of things back then. So she came up with three basic premises which are the founding pillars of Civilization:
- PREMISE ONE: All men are dogs. If they are allowed to run rampant all over the countryside hunting and fishing and having their way with any women they run up on, how can I (the frail) depend on them to stay with me as I raise their off-spring? (Answer: I can't.)
- PREMISE TWO: A situation must be created to keep men at home. She called it "agriculture and domesticating animals." No need to hunt if we got these dumb cows and sheep to slaughter on our whim. No need for men to go out gathering if we grow our own crops.
- PREMISE THREE: The way men get it has to be regulated. This was the final and most insidious pillar of Civilization. Not only did it cut out the competition from the women of the other tribes out there, it tied the hunter-gather turned farmer to one woman. She called it "marriage."
Which is why Charlie the Tuna has contended for years that women created "civilization." You know I'm right, Losers!
And the Bottom Line on all this is clear for anybody with half-a-brain to see: MARRIAGE IS NOT THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS. It was created by women back during a period of history which has come to be known as "The Matriarchy" to keep men at home and not boffing every frail that moved and was willing! It was also the beginning of what we now call "Civilization," but which us remaining Real Men could easily call, "Human Domestication, Chapter One."
Stop chewin' your cud there, Rosco and listen up!
Being deprived of their NATURAL hunter-gatherer instincts, guess what men did to get back out there on the tundra and continue in their natural pursuits? Men created war.The only difference was, instead of bringing down a mastodon or a water buffalo, now they brought down villages, farms and cities. They took the women of the vanguished as chattel, again having their way with them, and leaving death and destruction behind. Think about that!
You could say, if you gave it a little thought, that warfare was a natural (bad) reaction by men to being deprived of their hunter-gatherer impulses.
I could give you a few other bad results of The Matriarchy, from the chapters entitled "Religion" (why you think so many New Age folks claim the first deities were forms of the Goddess?) "Cities" (once men been domesticated, how can you tie them down even more and provide a community to judge them if they stray from marriage?) or "Bastards" (what can you do to visit the "sins of the fathers" on the children so the next generation comes to heel?), but I'm saving those for future articles.
Until next time, Losers:
Stay Hard.