-> COVER -> THE SEX COLUMN
I had to admit, that name though -- "future sex" -- was just a stroke of brilliance all by itself. It immediately makes you curious, don't it?There's this guy over at Salon magazine that thinks future sex will be all about sex toys. But I don't buy it And I'm sure you read the headlines about this doctor what claims he's got this new back massager or whatever that he accidentally discovered produces instant orgasms for some women. But I just can't believe that my especial province and source of joy will end up bein' all about machine manipulation. I just can't!
Even if we have separated sex from procreation -- in some societies and to some degree -- Charlie the Tuna still has to believe that we won't all separate it from skin and sweat and grunts and make it the province of some toy or machine. That whole idea from the Woody Allen movie, "Sleeper," of folks stepping into some tube and having their brain cells "activated" into a fantasy land and that's that has always seemed soulless and inhuman to me.
This might appeal to some of you Losers or Beavis and Butthead types that have problems relating to the earth under your feet and the fact that we all gottah eat a peck of dirt before we die, but not Charlie.
When I think of future sex what comes to my mind is what it will be like to make the sign of the double aardvark in a weightless environment like outer space, or at low gravity like on the moon. I think about what will happen when we have gotten technological implants in our bodies so that we can perfectly control room temperature and humidity, dim the lights just by saying so or be on some kind hoverbed especially contoured to our bodies. I think about having sensors that tell you when you are sending your lady to the very verge of her erotic threshold so you know its time to tip her over the edge. That's the kind of future sex I'm talkin' about!
These kindah thoughts present a challenge to the Tuna Philosophy, though, 'cause they set me to wondering: When was the Golden Age of Sex so far?
I mean, do we have better sex now than the folks had back, say, during caveman days? Better than ancient Egypt or in Tahiti before Captain Cook landed on their shores?
See what a hard question that is, Losers? Honestly, Charlie does not have an answer for that today.
You would think, judging by the Kama Sutra, that maybe they was having some kind of Golden Age of Sex in India back a thousand years or so ago. But I don't know. The Romans was well-known for their orgies, but was that better than the sex clubs of San Francisco during the '70s? I don't know. Do men and women, as a whole, enjoy sex more now that it is (theoretically) more recreational than it was (supposedly) when Don Juan was jumpin' off balconies in Europe? Maybe, maybe not.
Gettin the answers to these questions could likely produce a whole new line of study for Charlie and help me understand more about what the best future sex would be all about. So while I'm teaching you Losers about the finer points of sex in our time, I'll be learning something more too about sex throughout the ages. The Golden Age of Sex could become the Tuna equivalent of the Holy Grail!
Until next time, Losers:
Stay Hard.