The Sex Column

Seven Habits of Sensitive, Celibate Men

by D.A. Blyler

Special to the G21

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I received an email from a reader of mine today. I'll call him Stuart. He had recently come across my article "The Seven Vices of Highly Creative People," where I detailed the benefits of such civilized past-times as drinking, smoking, and gambling. He wanted to thank me for validating these vices that made his otherwise uneventful life worth embracing.

Stuart claimed that he'd always considered himself to be a creative person, but that instead of working daily under the guidance of a blissful muse he found himself laboring beneath the strictures of an advertising executive who once confused Gunter Grass with an insecticide -- something like a German equivalent to Round-Up. What had always kept him from fully immersing himself in literary pursuits and becoming the next Hemingway (or, at the very least, Bret Easton Ellis) was that he was a complete failure in my sixth Vice. That is, he had trouble soliciting the favors of young women.

Stuart went on to say that he couldn't quite understand his sexual hardships, as he was not an unattractive, witless, drone like many of the men he found on the arms of estimable women. And he summed up his sad misfortune by quoting from Lawrence Durrell's novel Balthazaar: "Before my love has a chance to crystallize, it turns into a deep, a devouring friendship."

The kid was obviously in a bad way. To be quoting from Durrell's tour de force The Alexandria Quartet (a monumental but largely forgotten masterpiece from the 1950's) indicated that he, like many a creative soul, was far too sensitive for his own good. Stuart then asked me if I'd be willing to offer any advice to those who want to pursue this vice but were lacking the tools -- that his creative success was, indeed, riding on it.

My immediate urge was to delete the email and move on to the rest of my correspondence. Like most of my ilk, I don't respond favorably to any position resembling responsibility -- unless physically threatened. And to be responsible for someone's literary success resembled a bad bank debt that I've no interest in repaying.

But then I relented. It was by no accident that I recognized the Durrell quote. I, myself, had memorized several long passages from the Alexandria novels during the halcyon days of youth when I still wrote poetry and placed all the young ladies I met on pedestals. But it had been six years since my last book of poetry, and those women had all fallen fast from their elevated heights.

I had, fortunately, learned from my mistakes and no longer lifted up the women whom I desired but rather laid them into bed (which was where both of us wanted them to be in the first place).

Not to say that I resemble, even remotely, a ladies man; just someone who's got a better grip on the game being played between men and women. And so, I have agreed to set a few things down that I learned through the litany of tragi-comedies that were, and still are, my relationships.

But be forewarned, Stuart and friends, these are hard habits to unlearn. I still occasionally fall prey to some of them.

In fact, just this past week I mismanaged my intentions with a nineteen-year-old Victoria's Secret model, and now she's dating the owner of a wig shop. That's enough to bruise the ego and literary aspirations of any Highly Creative man.

HABIT ONE: I'LL BE HER FRIEND FIRST

And that will be the end of it. This misconceived habit is probably the leading cause of unwanted celibacy among sensitive men. Yes, we've all heard the stories about how a woman's lover was also her best friend; but the moral is that he became her friend after they became lovers. Rarely does it ever work the other way around.

"But sex will ruin our friendship" is the gut-wrenching feminine line that reverberates through the corridors of every unrequited heart and should have taught the sensitive man long ago the error of his ways. After all, have you ever heard the retort, "But friendship will ruin our sex"?

Though, in some cases, there may be some truth to this.

HABIT TWO: I'D BETTER GO SLOW

Why? So you can give her time to find someone more daring than yourself? This habit usually rears its ugly head when the sensitive man finds himself with a recently dumped girl. "She needs time to find herself, to realize what she really wants" is what he tells himself, failing to consider the fact that there are plenty of guys waiting to convince her that they are what she really wants -- and leaving him to wait for the stories of what asses they turned out to be. Dejected and alone, she'll unknowingly torment him with lines like, "Don't worry; you'll find someone. You're the best guy I know." A sure fire sign that he's been relegated to permanent friendship. Best guy or not.

HABIT THREE: SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED WILL MAKE US CLOSER

But if you're not having sex it won't. If you aren't at least making some passes when you first share the bed with a girl, your ship is never getting out of dry dock. This is not to say that you should force yourself on her, but at least make some innocent passes informing her that you find her sexually attractive. If you don't, you'll just be filling the role of a warm body to replace the loneliness caused by her absent lover. And by no means enter the bed with the preface, "Don't worry, I'll be a gentleman." Maybe that's not what she's looking for. If nervous and in need a tension breaker, try out the Woody Allen line: "You know, love is the answer; but while you're waiting sex raises some pretty good questions." Laughter, after all, is the best aphrodisiac.

HABIT FOUR: I DON'T CARE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

She wants a man who'll make a decision and not return everything into her court. A guy who'll make plans for the night and be so enthusiastic about them that she'll be excited too. There's a big difference between being considerate and being wishy-washy. If you're indifferent about such simple things as dinner arrangements and movie selections, it doesn't bode well for your prowess as an accomplished bed partner -- one who never vacillates between the varieties of sexual experience that please a woman but who decides and dives in headlong. Even if it is on the shallow end.

HABIT FIVE: I'LL WIN HER HEART WITH FLOWERS AND A POEM

Not unless she's into Renaissance Fairs and Poetry Slams, you won't. Although this habit still finds its way into popular literature, film, and television, it became hopelessly outdated with the arrival of James Dean and Rock 'n' roll. These days poetry is consigned to the lazy sods who never had the giddyup and talent to learn a musical instrument, preferably the guitar. And flowers have been relegated to wives and mothers. But, if you find yourself uncontrollably gripped by old-fashioned romance and "Little House on the Prairie" episodes, be sure to sign your name to the accompanying card. In our day and age, anonymous admirers are usually mistaken for stalkers.

HABIT SIX: I BETTER APOLOGIZE

If you're in the wrong, maybe. But if she's in the wrong, there's no better way of sabotaging your prospects of taking her to bed. Women are bright creatures and they know when they're at fault for something. Admitting it, though, is a different story. Innumerable emotions course through their veins at any given moment, and the reasons for why they might avoid blame are equally varied. Expect contradictions.

I once endured a short-lived relationship with an English major who was fond of quoting Whitman every time I caught her in an incongruity:

You say I contradict myself; so I contradict myself; I contain multitudes!

(a split personality was my opinion). Even so, with the man who is courting her, the reason for a woman's self-imposed innocence of wrongdoing usually lies in her assessing his neediness. There's nothing less attractive to a woman than desperation.

So, take heed, gentlemen, and stick to your guns.

HABIT SEVEN: WOMEN DON'T MAKE PASSES AT MEN WHO WEAR GLASSES

Yes, I stole this one from Dorothy Parker, switching the sexes. But, it seems to me pretty appropos. As a society, we have reached a pinnacle in our distaste for intellectuals -- which our election of George W. Bush surely proves. Glasses, unfairly or not, lend themselves to a feeling of heightened cognitive ability. And most women are in subconscious agreement with Aldous Huxley's statement, "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." (Why would a woman get involved with someone like that?) Do yourselves a favor, gentlemen, lose the glasses and get contacts or corrective surgery. Without those bifocals you can gaze much more easily into the orbs of your loved one, the infamous windows of the soul. Just don't stare too long. That kind of thing creeps them out.

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D.A. BLYLER is the author of two books of poetry, Shared Solitude and Diary of a Seducer. He has recently completed his first novel, Steffi's Club.

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A Note from Charlie the Tuna: Checked your watch lately? That's right, it's still Tuna Time. I know many of my long-term fans have missed me while Rod has opened up this space to a couple of Guest Columnists. Frankly, I've enjoyed the break and laughed myself silly reading these two fine writers. So, as a special treat, here's another Web site that the Tuna Man thinks has it going on! Get ready, for more enlightenment from THE NAKED NEWS. (Thanks and a tip of the hat to reader John Howard for making Charlie's news day all the more tittilating. Stay Hard.)

Charlie the Tuna

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