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What do women want?Well, in the Year 2001 they want a Real Man again. Make no mistake about it. If you're still into that milque-toast Alan Alda thang that used to be so cachet in the '80s, you've missed the boat. My guest columnist, Mr. D.A. Blyler, already explained how you "sensitive" men are mostly celibate and why. This week, Charlie the Tuna, will continue to explicate on how not to be another LOSER. That opening-the-door-first and going Dutch at meals is passé , Homeslice. Women expect us guys to pay through the nose again --- right before they fit you for that nose ring.
In The World According to New York Times harridan Maureen Dowd, things between men and women now go like this:
In the 70's, splitting the check was liberating. Now it's a test."If you offer and they accept, then it's over," says my 33-year-old girlfriend, a TV producer in New York. Agreed a 23-year-old who works for Nascar: "Last week I reached into my bag, offering to pick up our night out, knowing full well I only had $6. We want to come across as if we've had an upbringing, but we'd fall off our chair if it were accepted."
A 35-year-old TV newsmagazine producer from L.A. says: "If he hasn't asked me about myself by the time the entree comes, I don't even bother to thank him when he pays."
Going Dutch is an archaic feminist relic. "It's a scuzzy 70's thing, like platform shoes on men," says a pal.
Many women expect to be fully subsidized on romantic jaunts, too. When I asked a 28-year-old friend how he and his lawyer-girlfriend were going to divide the costs on a California vacation, he looked askance. "She never offers," he replied. "And I like paying for her."
It is, as one guy says, "one of the few remaining ways we can demonstrate our manhood."
Women no longer worry about asserting their equality; they care about assessing their sexuality.
It doesn't matter if the woman is making as much money as the man, or more. She expects him to pay, both to prove her desirability and as a way of signaling romance ‹ something that's more confusing in a dating culture rife with casual hook-ups and group activities.
"There are plenty of ways for me to find out if he's going to see me as an equal without disturbing the dating ritual," explains a 30-year-old who works at a newspaper here. "Disturbing the dating ritual leads to chaos. Everybody knows that."
All the emphasis in that above quote is mine. It didn't appear in the New York Times. But here's what my emphasis is about: I've been tellin' you for more than five years now that the relationship between men and women is purely about economics; now the 'hos are sayin' it themselves --- and proud of it!
Get a damned clue.
Listen to what this Loser had to say in the same article:
Rick, a 31-year-old from Nashville, who describes himself as "a fat C.P.A.," said he had to spend $10,000 on meals to get his wife.All of this leads me up to askin' you The Tuna Question: What would a man do?
To my thinkin' a 'ho is a 'ho is a 'ho. These bitches are now outright sayin' they expect you to pay for the pussy -- act accordingly, my man.
Would you ask Trixie on Capp Street in San Francisco what she would prefer to see at the movies next week? I don't think so.
Would you ask Luwanda on K Street in D.C. if she'd like sushi or cheese steak before she gave you a B.J. and went back on the corner?
No.
So considering that these wife-potential (in your mind only) and higher-priced, long-term, "I'm a pristine Momma's girl" 'hos are expecting you to pay BIG DOLLARS (See Rick from Nashville above) just to get some trim, I'd suggest that you start acting like a man and makin' some demands of your own.
Excuse me, Baby. But before you take the measurements for that nose ring, my bathroom needs cleaning. You know where the sponge is.
Let's get real here. If you know that you're about to fork out a few grand in order to make the woman "honest," (assuming you are that STUPID and consider that phrase for what it means) then you'd better lay the ground rules out early.
As in:
- Dinner on the table when my ass gets home
- This is my pussy and nobody else's
- You always call me "Daddy," "Sweetheart," "Baby," "The Man."
- You shop out of your allowance and don't ask me where I spend the rest of my paycheck.
- No, you don't ask any questions when I say I want to go out.
Now, before you jump on my case, scroll back up the page to that Maureen Dowd article. That's when you'll snap to the fact that I am NOT out of line with the demands a Man would make. Ask yourself the Tuna Question again.
Sure, she might seem like the Love of Your Life today, but you will be an old man one day and she will be the Last Woman YOU Ever Have. You don't train her right from the get-go and you'll wake up one day five years down the road and realize you've made a Fatal Mistake.
You'd better ask somebody.
When I give you Part Two of the Marriage Manual, you'll begin to understand what I mean.
So what would a Man do?
I suspect that a man would not find himself in that position unless he found a Real Woman. They are not as easy to find as you would suspect.
Sure, there are lots of lacquered, nail-polished, blow-dried semplances of womanhood out there. I've slept with most of those bimbos, as my long-term readers know.
But that's not to say that in my travails I have not come across a Real Woman; the kind of woman who makes you believe that humanity is not just a pile.
A Real Woman makes your heart actually throb; puts rainbow colors back in your world; and doesn't come with a price-tag like your everyday common 'ho.That's the ticket.
But don't hold your breath waiting for her to show up, pal. Deal with the cards you are dealt. You're one lucky sucker if you run into her. So for now, stick to the Tuna Philosophy and treat a 'ho like a 'ho.
You'll be glad you did.
Until next time: Stay Hard.
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