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San Francisco, CA, USA - Your master of The Battle of the Sexes, your personal trainer in coitus infinitus, the man who has four ex-wives to show for his horn-doggism --- yes, me, Charlie the Tuna --- gets hella e-mails. I'd say I get more e-mail sent to me than even our publisher.Yep, a lot of it is hate mail.
But every now and again I get invitations to appear on TV and such --- as you'll see on this issue's "Vox Populi" page. My point: our Esteemed Editor makes each and every one of us at G21 read all that damned mail. Sometimes he even insists that we respond.
This here column is in response to an article by a harridan at AlterNet sent to Charlie by one of my big fans Out East. You'll love what this wench had to say about that HBO television show "Mind of The Married Man". Gag me!
A loyal Tunaphile writes in:
Charlie,I laughed when I read this ... full story at bottom from http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=13150 seems to have tuna potential...c'mon refute refute!!
As you can see from that link, Ms. Chaudry -- in her hairy-legged Berkeley, trendy, bisexualist post-feminist philosophy mode -- seems to think that "...Xing's nonchalant attitude towards her relationships flies in the face of received wisdom on female infidelity. The traditional view of female philandering favors blaming the wife. In the classics, the fate of straying women -- even sympathetic characters like Anna Karenina and Emma Bovary -- was death. 'Bad' wives seeking sexual thrills were portrayed as shallow, bitter hussies a la Mrs. Robinson...." and --- here's the kicker, my readers: "...While they can control themselves through social and emotional restraints, it is considered 'normal' for men to desire a number of women.
"Nothing illustrates this view better than 'The Mind of the Married Man.' This annoyingly inane HBO series follows three men, each apparently designed to represent a male archetype, as they spend their time incessantly discussing sex. The 'Jerk' hires call girls, sneaks quickies in his office, all the while declaring his 'respect' for his wife. He prides himself on his 'big dick mentality.' The other extreme is the 'Nice Guy' who gives his wife foot-rubs and devotedly watches intimacy tapes (corny videos dispensing a New-Agey version of couple therapy). The man in the middle, 'Mr. Regular Guy' and the show's narrator, is reluctant to screw around on his wife but constantly thinks about it -- finally succumbing to a sexual encounter with a masseuse."
Hey! What is wrong with this Chaudry frail? Doesn't she understand the American psyche yet and get the damned joke!?! Jake "the 'Jerk'" is the only regular guy on this HBO show! Her "Mr. Nice Guy" (Doug, the source of those dippy videos) is a Big LOSER -- as every Real Man wasting his time on this show would know. Even their "crusty" boss on this show thinks that Doug lacks the necessary testosterone quotient to do something as simple as edit Mike, the narrator's, column. In other words, even other men look down on Mr. Nice Guy -- let alone women looking to get their eyeballs rolled back during a good lay. And Chaudry's "Regular Guy" (Mike) spends way too much time inside his own head having fantasies about the forbidden fruit instead of boffing it. He's a classic example of Small Dick Mentality -- as Jake, our hero, rightly points out. Duh!
In the real world, men constantly think about sex. And, yes, Lakshmi, in the real world it IS normal for real men to desire a number of women.
It's not a thing about archetypes or "outmoded" stereotypes, it's a FACT.
What seems to be bothering Chaudry, in a way that it doesn't bother modern fems like Maureen Dowd, is that most 21st Century women are blatantly ready to cash in on this fact and make no bones about it. Not only that, my readers, but Chaudry seems to think it's some how wrong that lots of Gen Y women are willing to admit thinking about sex all day themselves. But listen, Lakshmi, sex is what young, vital people with hot blood flowing through their veins need to do! It's fun, too!
I'll give Chaudry one thing: I never watched "Mind of The Married Man" until I got sent along her dumbass article. I was too busy out in the clubs chasing tail. But, being the kind of guy who believes one needs to know of which he speaks, I watched four or five episodes of MoTMM since getting that e-mail from my fan. It is an inane show -- but not for the reasons Chaudry raises in her college assignment paper-like article. What's so silly about this show is our narrator, Mike, is such a freaking loser.
Listen: the first time he gets referred by the Jake (our Real Man) to the hot Asian masseuse, Mike refuses to let her get him off because he thinks even getting a handjob from a masseuse is the equal of cheating on his wife. Stop laughing! This nerd actually believes that. Some other schmoes out there obviously do, too.
Too bad for them. I'd hate to see what their guilt-ridden thoughts are about landing some actual poontang.
Now what really gets ole Charlie's goat about this whole topic is that it just reinforces all the neo-Puritan thinking as regards making the sign of the double aardvark to begin with. And frankly, guys and gals, I don't give a shit what goes on in the mind of the married man. I've been there and done that about four times myself and the only thing that was on my mind the whole time was when, how, how often and with whom I'd get my next nut.
The milque-toast in the back of the class has his hand up. He's waving it furiously. I already know what Jackson wants to ask.
"But Charlie, if that's the way you feel, why did you get married at all?"Listen, Kid, it's simple. All it takes is a blood test and about $85 for the license here in San Fran to get married. You don't even need to prove you have a brain. Or a dick.
In at least one instance (ex-wife number three) I went through with the ring-through-your-nose-with-the-yank-chain-attached routine to avoid a major ass-whupping from the dame's three big bruiser brothers. One time I was drunk and in 'Vegas. Another time I was still young enough to bend to social and family pressure. Ex-wife number four? I'll be damned if I know even today.
My point, Jackson, is that deciding to get married, like adolescence, is a form of temporary insanity that every man goes through at least once. Some guys are lucky enough to be brought to their senses in the eleventh hour by very good friends. Or a better piece of ass.
And then there are the cagey guys, the real sexual predators like Jake of MoTMM, who just get married to "have" their "cake and eat it, too." They know, as Charlie has advised you before, that wedding rings are chick magnets. From the point of view of the frail, she gets the benefit of both a guy who's been domesticated AND who knows how to treat some new pussy right in the sack WITHOUT having to think about the future with Sir Studly. It's a win-win situation. Jake's character represents the guys out here who know how to play that situation to the max. Hat's off.
As for Chaudry, her problem seems to be that she lacks me. Listen, Babe, Charlie lives on Geary Street right here in Ess Eff and I'm in the book. Give me a ring when you figure out what it is you need.
Which leads us quite nicely into the reason you all come here, Gentlemen,
The Tuna Philosophy
In this class, Gentlemen, Charlie will share with you the real Rules for Married Men. If you chose that condition, being married I mean, then there are certain things you should know.Class dismissed.
- Don't Ask, Don't Tell. In the first instance, why bother? You don't need to know. Won't do a bit of good. Besides, if she is getting her milk at some other store, when she's with you she'll only perform better. Variety is the spice of life. It won't make a damned difference anyway, as long as you keep bringing home that paycheck and you don't find a new pair of shoes in the closet and your suitcases packed when you get home.
In the second instance, who are you really helping if you "confess" to your frail? Not her. She doesn't want to hear that or believe it. That's why she got married. By telling her that you got a taste for some strange and actually acted on it, you're only breaking her heart and assuaging your dumbass sense of guilt. End of story.
- You never trash where you eat. Get a motel room. It's a time-honored tradition among philanderers and there's a good reason for that. Even if you have a washer-dryer in the basement, are you about housekeeping or boffing? Soiled sheets are the reason God created motel maids. Keep these women working.
- Don't nail your wife's best friend. No matter how hot she might look to you, she's still you're wife's best friend and that means chances are she will tell. She might even secretly take it as some kind of badge of honor that she could seduce you. Too risky. There are plenty of dames at work, in the bars, etc. who wouldn't know your wife from The Man in the Moon and their yoni is just as good.
- Finally: Mistresses and whores are both good things. Forget what your pastor told you, Webster. He's in the business of keeping you in line so that you'll be just another Goody Two-Shoes lick-spittle. Your pastor will tell you that anyone in authority is always right, marriage is a sacred institution and Big Business is never out to rip your ass off. He's makes bank spreading society's lies.
The truth is that there's a damned good reason that men who can afford it have always supported a mistress or three at their party cribs and the rest of us have patronized the world's oldest profession. There's a reason there is a world's oldest profession. Get a clue.
Stay Hard.
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