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San Francisco, CA, USA - That's right, Ladies and Germs, your favorite sex columnist is back in da house. The only problem is, I keep getting requests for advice from completely brain-dead ignoramuses that almost seem like a waste of my very precious skirt-chasin' time in even responding to. But I have to if I'm gonnah keep my always-tenuous chair at The World's Magazine. So here goes. I got this latest letter from a guy name of Charles T. somewhere down in the Bible Belt:
Dear Charlie,Should I allow my wife to have sexual relation with another woman will I watch? We have a perfect relationship not to mention the greatest sex life. We do all kind of things to explore our sexual appetites. But it is always with one another. Will her going out side the circle call problem in our relationship?
Daily Bread Bible School
Now available
http://www.discoveronline.org/schools/415Charles T.
First of all, I gottah say it always creeps me out when somebody reading a column like mine has some kind of Xian signature line on their e-mail. And I'll tell you why. I've received death-threats from Bible-thumpers and wiccans and feminist of the extreme, hairy-legged Berzerkley sort over the years. All you people who believe you know how the rest of us need to live and think make me mmighty damned nervous.
Anyways, in the interest of Free Speech, and 'cause I live in the Land of Fruits and Nuts (San Fran to you,) I figure I might as well answer your dumbass e-mail because otherwise I'll lose my slot hereabout, as mentioned above. So Listen Up!
Buy I damned dictionary or get "Spell Check" on your e-mail program, Dufus! "will I watch..." ""call problem"?!? You're lucky I realize how to read and translate the language Illiterate!
Tell me something, Charles: What kind of Bible-thumper wants to watch his wife doin' another woman?
Yeah, yeah, I heard that one about a lot of you endowment-challenged, hairless chest types fantasizing about girl-on-girl action, but what so wrong about that equation? WHERE ARE YOU? If it was Charlie the Tuna there would be NO WAY some frail would be muff-diving on my 'Ho without me stickin' it somewhere in the multiple available orifices. So my answer to you is to figure out how you fit into The Perfect Sandwich.
You want a little menage a trois action, I can understand that one. The more the merrier, I says. I been known to get a little freaky-deaky myself. But as far as that "outside of the circle" thang goes, I'm against it. The circle is considered the perfect geometrical shape for a reason. The three of you could be like the worm that swallows it's own tail, if you get what I mean and I think you do.
If you been followin' The Tuna Philosophy for any reasonable amount of time here, Charles, you gottah know that I, for one, firmly believe that you gottah fit the ducats into the equation somehow. How is it gonnah affect your positive cashflow to include yet another frail in your harem? I'm assuming you're smart enough to get the third party in this new circle to participate for free. Surely, you're not dumb as well as illiterate!
So you gottah solicit some willing freak from your 'hood. Good luck on that one. I heard them Xian broads are always more-than-willing to get their thang on, but I got no personal experience as to how far out they are willing to go.
Now if you was talkin' one of them Gaia-worshippin' Babes you'd have the sign of the double aardvark happenin' in a New York minute. That's a hint.
Me, of course, I like it totally Street, as far as the 'Hos go. And the sleazier the better. You know the kind I'm talking about. If not, the next time you're in San Fran, go cruisin' on Capp Street or do a late-night drive through the TL. (Tenderloin to the uniniated)
Anyways, to get back to the issue of the ducats, if you ain't payin' this third broad directly, meanin' she doesn't want to feel directly like a 'Ho, how will you be payin' for your new action, Charles? She gonnah be expectin' free eats, champagne, a better apartment, goin' out to dinner and drinks with the two of you, or what? There is no such thing as free pussy, so what are gonnah be the expectations of this new one as to how she separates you from your hard-earned simoleons? I'd think real long and hard about that question, pal.
Which segues nicely into why all you people come here:
The Tuna Philosophy
This week class we're gonnah talk about Signs the Babe is Boff Material.
- If she can dance and/or swim, go for it. She knows how to vibe into the Universal Rhythm.
- If she wears a lot of make-up or is still into Big Hair, which is either too Dallas or too eighties, run don't walk to the next frail in line. Real Women don't try to compensation for that essential flaw that makes them unique. Like a fine Japanese print, the flaw highlights the beauty.
- If she needs to do a "bump" (you know!) in the bathroom before she can be interested in you, follow the run don't walk rule above.
- Go to a Wal-Mart and buy a hula hoop. Chicks who are more-than-willing to do a hula hoop as adults are into the Universal Rhythm, too.
- And remember, Baxter, it's ALWAYS BETTER if you have the dosh to pay for her recreations. With chicks, money is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Until next time: Stay Hard.
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