It's Tuna Time!

Picture this: You is getting down with that new Safeway clerk you been dreaming about for the last three weeks. Turns out she is just the kind of freak you wanted her to be. When all of a sudden your wife shows up at home, unexpected, in the middle of the afternoon.

The bedroom door opens. "Charlie! What the hell---?" She rushes out crying.

Being Charlie the Tuna, you quickly gets up, wipes yourself off, and rush out after her.

"What the hell was that!" she screams, shaking and crying.

"What you talking about?" you say.

"I just saw you in there with---"

"No you didn't! What? You gonnah believe ME or your lyin' eyes?"

The World's Magazine: g21.net Event #174: Kid Stuff MORE of The World's Magazine. AMERICAN DREAMS The Barnes & Noble Search Engine BLACK INK G21 WebTrips Cartoon Network Cartoons by Gaspirtz CultureCast CHROUILLE HANE The Dailies DAY ONE FAX NIKITA G21 ASIA G21 Digital Internet Postcards G21 Magazine Rack G21 NEWS G21 WORDS G21 SEX HOT LINKS HOUSE OF CARDS LONDON CALLING! The Main Event NEW YORK STATE ON DRUGS POWERSBOOKS POWERSSOUND Publisher's Note QUEER PLANET RADIO ACTIVE SILVER SURF TABLOID HART VOX POPULI LAST WEEK's EDITION For Deep Background visit the G21-Barnes & Noble Shop OR get great books at the G21 BARNES & NOBLE SEARCH ENGINE The Main Event HOME

She stops crying and shaking. Her jaw drops. She blinks twice. (It's kindah like a deer caught in the headlights.) She catches her breath.

"But, but --- I just saw you."

"Girl, you better ask that doctor about your Prozac prescription! I think he givin' you too many damned pills. I'm your man, and I just told you nothin' was happening."

"Then why you naked?"

"I come down with the flu, so they let me come home from work early. I'm runnin' a fever---" (That explains why you are covered with sweat.) "Listen, Baby," you say as you approach her, take her by the shoulders, "why don't you go in the kitchen and make me some of that hot Thera-Flu so I'll feel better? Just bring it on back to the bedroom when you done."

She blinks again, twice. Then she nods and heads off to the kitchen.

Then you go back to the bedroom and hustle that little chippie out of there. Send her on her way and let her know you'll get back to her later.

That's the way you keep your marriage intact, Losers. See, the main thing is, you want to keep your woman, you gottah just lie, lie, LIE.

Now, listen up! I don't want to have to tell you Slackers this stuff twice!

Men have been tom-cattin' around, and lying about it, for umpteen thousands of years. Women have been either believing them lies or pretendin' to, for umpteen thousands of years.

Why? Because that's what keeps The Institution of Marriage, the basis of our society, intact.

The last thing your wife or girlfriend wants to hear from you --- even if she hears it from everybody else in town --- is that you are cheating on her. She don't want to hear it from you, Loser! Just get that through your head.

As long as she don't hear it from you, everything is all right.

And why would you want to degrade her by telling her some shit like that? Would it do either of you any good? NO.

All you would be doing is taking care of your bad conscience. You would be dumping your guilt on her. She wants to believe in you, because you are HER MAN. So when you don't lie, you are taking away the basis on which her life has been established, pure and simple.

Playboy Get one year/12 issues of Playboy for 19.97. That's 67% off the Cover Price ($61.44). You save $41.47! Playboy is America's best-selling men's magazine. Stimulating articles, probing interviews, and eye-pleasing centerfolds make up a monthly issue of this provocative and informative publication.

Apron String Boy at the back of the room raises his hand at this point, like he thinks he's still in grade school and the teacher needs to recognize him before he can speak. "But, Charlie," he squeaks, not having enough testosterone to speak boldly as a man would, "aren't modern relationships supposed to be based on honesty?"

And Charlie the Tuna responds: Think about who told you that, Fool! Wasn't it the same damned people who are part of the statistical 50% of DIVORCEES in this damned country? Misery loves company, and they are selling you on the mythological bullshit that made them the miserable statistic they are.

Any Real Man has already gotten The Clue and knows that's a crock. Your woman don't want you to mess up her good thing by being honest, and you don't want to have to give up your cake to be honest, so what's the point?

Lemme break it down for you:

• There ain't a woman out there who wants to give up the nice house you is paying to keep her in, the minivan, the trips to the beauty parlor, and the chance of spending her golden years sitting beside you on the front porch saying nothing in the adjoining rocker for the prospect of living in a studio apartment in her middle age and eating take out food.
• She certainly don't want to give up all that --- and live in the damned studio --- only because you was stupid enough to tell her you been cattin' around. She would probably say, "So what?" if one of her wannah-have-a-man-but-don't girlfriends told her about it. But you admit it to her, you disrespect her by sayin' it's true, she got no choice but to get righteous attitude.
• But if you keep the lie going, you stick to your manly guns, her honor is intact, Slacker. AND the institution of marriage is preserved.

I know, I know: The Smart Men in this class is saying: "Charlie, I sure wish Bill Clinton had learned more from you." And you are damned skippy.

THIS WEEK'S TUNA SIGHTING

Drop by there, Slackers, if you haven't already. You might learn something.