-> COVER -> THE SEX COLUMN
All that negativity on interaction with the opposite sex; several failed marriages; espousing infidelity like it was the Holy Grail of pleasant human interaction; utter disregard of disease risk factors, and --- last but not least --- no love. Yes, "LUV." Some of us still believe in the concept of a Significant Other and think that THAT is one of the optimal mediums for a happy, healthy sex life.
Anyway, I settled on THIS for my first foray into this "Sex Column":
MY personal take on why some guys don't get any or have to pay so dearly for the meager amounts of sex that do get doled out to them.
Now, whether you are a "married man", a "thinking about getting married man", or a "I've been burned so many times I can't even think about getting married again man" take some notes here.
What qualifies me for this task? Well for starters, I'm married, and unlike the married guys that Tuna Charlie thinks are suffering with no sex, I "get it" a lot more than any of the single guys I know.
Some of these points are a tongue-in-cheek retelling of my own blunders in the sexual arena, but the majority of them are based on comments that women have made, regarding WHY they are seemingly so stingy with "the goods", even though they too are missing out on regular sexual gratification.
Seriously men, are you guilty of sabatoging your sex life by being...
MR. AFTER MIDNIGHT: Tell me, men, has this been you? You are sleeping with a woman, especially one that likes to sleep in "the raw", YOU wake up (or you've just slipped into bed) very late at night, and you have got some some serious "wood"? Then, you get the bright idea that,
"Hey, I could just slip over to her side of the bed, gently rub her up, she'll think it's some kind of good dream and, BADDA BOOM, BADDA BING! I'm hopping her bones!?"
Sure, that'll work once in a while, but generally speaking, you'd best wear some safety goggles, 'cause most women will like to scratch your eyes out for disturbing their "beauty sleep".
Then you end up laying there thinking, "DAMN! This 'thing' won't go away".
Maybe you even try easing up on her again - now she's gonna break out the swear words, kicks AND the fingernails --- right before grabbing the sheets and going to sleep on the couch.
Oh well, guess you can "spank it" in private now, smart guy.
Science involved (for those of you who don't know): men and women have completely different daily hormonal cycles. Guys are ready to go in the morning, and go downhill from there; women's hormone levels rise during the day, peaking shortly before they get sleepy.
- Practical Solution #1: Slip into bed before the woman, even if your team is leading and it's the last quarter of the game; you'll be much more likely to "score" and no nagging late night "wood" problem; plus, you can check the game in the morning.
- Practical Solution #2: Go to sleep, and promise yourself you'll try to tag her in the morning.
MR. NO HELP: I realize a lot of you guys can still get your mom to do your laundry, but ALL OTHER ADULT WOMEN expect you to do it yourself - at least half the time.
I have one male relative whose wife puts it this way: "He wants to go hunting for three days. Fine; he'll have to work his ass off for three days before he gets any. Besides, my fingers can do basically the same thing as him, without all the hassle."
I know, I know, that is damned cold, but she really isn't a cold type of person - she's just frustrated by a man that thinks she is gonna cater to him like his momma.
Similar frustrations stem from many guy's lack of willingness to help out with THEIR CHILDREN - you know, the ones that are the result of the sex they had 9 months before the child's birth?
- Practical solutions: help out, make the women happy - it's a lot cheaper, safer and saner than paying for sex, arguing over sex or just not getting any.
- Or pay for a house cleaner to come in once a week, if you can afford it.
- Still can't bring yourself to do a little housekeeping or child care? Get handy on her.
Women just love a man who's can make himself handy, as comedian Rd Green says,"If they don't find ya handsome, they should at least find you handy". Plus, she'll brag you up to her girlfriends for being such a helper.
- Tip for you single guys that hate the bar-scene: during weekend evenings, building supply stores are just crawling with single women that are using a real or feigned lack of fix-it-up knowledge as a springboard to conversation with any halfway clean looking guy. Seriously, some days I have felt like I was being stalked as I went from aisle to aisle. "Oh Hi, you again". And the potential for exchanging phone numbers is very smooth and unpressured. "Hey, if you have some trouble with that, here is my name and number." My handiness, and a referral from a friend, is how I landed on my wife's doorstep (family joke is I was paid for most of my work, in trade ;O) .
Now, my buddy had complained that she was a "cold fish", and hadn't appreciated ANYTHING he had tried to do with her in the sexual department. But some time later when she kinda hit on me, I thought I would check her out. She was very complimentary regarding some oral gratification I had given her and whipped this out on me:
"You know, you're the first guy that didn't go at it like those idiots in the porn videos".
Now, I had received very detailed "instruction" from an older woman years before, so I had always assumed that those guys with their tongues jutting out of their mouths like a spear, doing nothing but flicking on the women's clitorises in those movies were only in that position so the camera could get in a shot.
NO, this women tells me, most guys in the real world are emulating that technique.
Now, not being a woman, I can't fully appreciate this stylistic problem, but I can kinda imagine how continuous, unchanging attention to one spot might get a little boring or even painful.
My tip (based on input from a small cadre of "satisfied customers"): use your upper and lower lips for 90% of the "work" and save your tongue for lighter "detail" work; get in close on your work - it won't bite (and you shouldn't either unless you've checked that angle cautiously); and lose any macho problem with your women getting off from this oral gratification - simultaneous orgasms are a rarity, not the norm.
Same goes for the standard "deed": be a little more creative than the people in those porn videos you've been watching - massaging, kissing, and not trying to stroke with the regularity of a mechanical device works wonders on enhancing the overall effect.
And that, kids, leads up to what is probably the biggest female mood killer.....
MR. "NO-PLAY BEFORE WE LAY": If you have younger relatives, maybe you can appreciate this scenario: you bring a gift for the kid's birthday or some holiday, and you get no acknowledgment. No thanks, no comments on the cute paper, nothing; they just rip off the paper, tear open the package, play with the toy, and then abandon it as soon as they have something better.
Lots of men apparently do the same thing: start squeezing the packaging, try tearing off the wrapping so they can play with the "toys", and then "nod-off" or roll over as soon as they've had their way with the women.
FELLAS! Women hate that!
In fact, that kind of self-centered behavior is, IMHO, the biggest reason why guys like Tuna Man have to pay through the nose to get any. I've read all of the articles posted up by the guy, and there is nary a word about fulfilling the women's needs.
Try some massaging, a foot rub, a head rub, and my personal favorite trick: "The Scratch". It's like this guys, you know how sometime you "scratch" yourself "down there"? Well women get itchy down there, too. Try this! Most Women can't get enough of this. Get a hold of a little bit of their "flesh" (especially at the hairline point where their privates go from furry to wet) between your thumb and a finger, and give it a little scratching and rubbing (kinda like you were trying to feel the quality of a piece of clothing). And if you can get your hands in there for a little bit of that kinda rubbing action during oral sex, you will be "GOLDEN".
Final Thoughts: Tuna Charlie has intimated that his success at sex is guaranteed by his "big swinger". Me, I think that consideration and skill have a lot more to do with real sexual "staying power" than the comparitive size of your "swinger".
I suspect that a good part of the reason Charlie has to go from partner to partner is because of what I call the "Gas Station/Restaurant Effect".
See, if you've ever worked in a gas station or a restaurant, you've undoubtably experienced being able to smell the gas or the food when you first get to work, but after a few minutes you can't smell it at all. Same goes with your "swinger" (Tuna Man, this reality check is coming to you from one "big swinger" to another.)
Just as tight new shoes get broken in, eventually, and then you can't feel them on your feet, a women's body can learn to accept anything up to the size of a baby; therefore, they are not going to be impressed with JUST your "natural endowments" forever. In layman's terms: You may baffle them with bullshit for the first ten minutes - after that, you better KNOW something.
I get a big kick out of the "rebuttals" to the wisdom I share with young guys still out here in the sexual minefield. Usually these "rebuttals" come from pussy-whipped bozos acting as surrogates for their iron-lipped Haus Frau, if you know what I mean.
Can't you just see it? "How can you let that degenerate say things about US like that, Jim?" "Us?" What us is she talking about? a Real Man, without a ring through his nose, would ask, "Or do you have a mouse in your pocket?" ... But not Apron-string Boy.
He mewls, "Should I write a rebuttal, de-e-ear?" Then he lowers his head like all bottoms do.
Now, I don't know Ed Cantarella (though he says in his challenge to me that he is married) so I can't say this was his particular case for takin' me on.
What I do know is that his "counterpoint" to the Tuna Rules is LAME.
Elvis Costello probably put it best in his song, "Watching The Detectives":
...Filing her nails
While they're draggin' the lake...
You know what I'm talkin' about here.
And that's what old Charlie finds the most amusing: SO FAR, both Phayla and Ed have been more graphically explicit about the actual sign of the double aardvark than Charlie the Tuna has EVER been, while still not addressin' my real basic contention that relations between men and women is all an economic arrangement. Why are they afraid of facing me on my own ground?
(And I hear that that COWARD, Thomas Hart, means to step up to the Tuna next. Warning: Come strong!)
But let's deal with Little Eddie's complaints about men, in general, and Charlie the Tuna, in particular. (Listen up, Mr. Ed! It's Charlie the Tuna, not "Tuna Charlie." I know you can read!)
NUMERO UNO: Ed Cantarella seems to find some telling knowledge in the fact that I been married more than once. Since when is that a crime in these United States, the damned Capital of Divorce?
Maybe like Real Men of ages past, I'm not willing to put up with some harridan or money-grubber as easy as you, Mister! Maybe I know when to kick them to the curb. Sue me!
Besides, if this was a real debate, we'd call that kind of attack ad hominem --- meaning without substance and just casting aspersions on my personality, not the real issues. Cheap shot!
NUMERO DUO: Though Mr. C. claims to have read each and every one of my most recent articles here at G21, he never directly addresses ANYTHING I ever talked about!
- Did he mention Danni Ashe? NO.
- What about the Jail Babes? NOPE.
- Okay, then certainly he noticed what I said about Lara Croft? SORRY.
SO HOW CAN HE SAY HE'S ADDRESSING ACTUAL CHARLIE THE TUNA COLUMNS? You tell me.
If Mr. C. wants to get his own column about human sexual relations, and call it "Sexual Technique Advice for Middle-Aged Married Men," more power to him says Charlie the Tuna.
But I think young men, who are still out here in play, will keep comin' back to where the Mack Daddy lives!
But enough about that Loser. We both know why you're here...
THE TUNA PHILOSOPHY
Have you seen Tori Spelling on the cover of STUFF magazine this month? That one magazine cover says it all, Losers!
You remember what she used to look like, right? About three years ago? Now it's the latest L.A. thing: new nose, new hair, new tits. What is that about? MONEY.
It's about the real equation going on if you are in play, Loser. Some people may start out their "advice" talking about love. But count how many times they use that word in the complete statement.
It always gets back to practical matters like sexual technique, how you dress, how buff you are, what car you drive, your NET WORTH, in a New York minute. WHY? Because even people who want to be out of The Life know that there's no exit.
There is no such thing as Free pussy. You pay one way or the other. I just admit it.
I know there are some so-called men out there who don't mind spending their evenings with Aunt Bea from "The Andy Griffith Show." That's their decision.
I hear Aunt Bea's a real nice woman who bakes a mean cherrie pie.
Me, I gave up Coyote Love about the same time I gave up ralphing at parties.
If I'm going to be sitting in a restaurant, sneaking out of a motel, or just walking up the hill to the next watering hole, I want a frail on my arm that looks good enough to eat. That's just Charlie. Loser's beware; you might not be able to handle the price-tag!
Let me put it one more way:
- Aristotle Onassis: looked like a deflated puffer fish, losing his hair, flabby, old. Major Drawing Card: RICHER THAN CROESUS. Result: Lands Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy, the most famous woman in the world.
- Frank Sinatra & Woody Allen: aging, balding, problems with relationships. Major Drawing Card: Extremely wealthy legends in their fields. Result: both land the much-younger Mia Farrow, anothter well-off frail.
- Dennis Rodman: mercurial (to say the least!) self-centered, unreliable, drinks heavily and screws around at the drop of the hat, preference for strippers, formerly decaying/currently has-been. Major Drawing Card: Megabucks from his NBA career and celebrity draw. Result: Madonna, Carmen Electra, various New York strippers.
Let me put it one final way: A WOMAN WITHOUT HER OWN CASH AIN'T WORTH HAVING. PERIOD.
There are MILLIONS of clip-joint, home-wreck, gold-dig, succubus for Johnny Paycheck, soap-opera, condo-wanting, Porsche-needin' women out there for you to lose your hard-earned dige to, Dude! But women worth the time of day who can carry on a decent, interesting conversation are like hen's teeth!
And that's even before you get to how good they are in the sack.
Some People, of the Alan Alda mold, would suggest the onus is on you, Loser. Read what they have to say! When once did they recommend you do anything other than be a milquetoast, mealey-mouthed, apron-string boy?
Clark Gable's probably rolling over in his grave!
Now if I weren't Charlie the Tuna, I might stoop to give you some fairy tale about "true love," "honor," or "fidelity." But I have no current plans to join the ranks of THE LOSERS!
Let me give you a quote:
It's simple, easy, and millions of Americans out there just like you have already done it.After she fixes you breakfast, walk over to the door and open it.
Say: "Okay, baby, gather up your little shit and get out."
Go ahead, repeat those words for yourself right now. Easy, wasn't it? It's that simple, Losers.
Every now and then you may run across some broad who acts surprised, angry or something. If she does, just say: "Whatsamatter, 'ho? You hard of hearing? Get your ass out!"
Go ahead. Try saying it right now and see how easy it can be.
Yes, it's that easy!
Reader's Digest Version: "Thank you, my dear. I don't give a damn."
Well, all right, you could be Alan Alda or Mr. Ed. You are happily living in suburbia with your Haus Frau and watching the ShowTime network when they put on them soft-porn flicks, fantasizing about what it was like to be in play again. OR maybe you could be a True Loser, watching "G-String Divas" on HBO thinking how you might buy a bus ticket to meet one of those women at one of those clubs.
Charlie the Tuna accepts that we can't all live the pimp lifestyle and have the best without settling for the rest....
Brother, ask yourself one question: HOW LONG WILL YOU BE DEAD?
I rest my case.
Stay hard.